Truth, lies and dementia

2005-07-18T14:25:00.000+08:00

I've been told that in Mandarin, there is no word for Sex. The closest would be' making love'

I'm not sure if its true. But its bad enough that humans dont know know to tell the difference between love and sex. How do you deal with it if the damn language doesnt allow you to express that difference?

2005-05-30T15:54:00.000+08:00

I know this is coming in months too late, but I only watched Closer 2 days ago and I think its one of the most unique movie I have watched

At the end of the movie, I was not sure if it was the usual happy ending or not. In fact, Jude Law was so convincing as bastard-turned-insecure nutcase that I am not sure who he himself wanted to end up with. Julia Roberts? Natalie Portman? At the start of the movie, you think he's the fuckwit who uses people and doesnt deserve any happiness. but at the end when he loses Alice/Jane and realizes she used a fake name with him all along, you kinda feel his pain at having lived a lie for 4 years

I maybe stating the obvious but its a great movie about relationships, emotions and insecurity and curiosity. Like that scene where Jude Law screams at Julia Roberts for sleeping with her ex husband out of pity: That's not cowardice! You're just not big enough to let him hate you.
Or when Portman states: There is always a moment, a time, where you make a choice to give in to temptation.

However, I think the best line in Closer is Natalie Portman's answer to the annoying question, 'Was he better than me'
Answer: Yes he was, and I came, but I prefer you.

2005-05-27T20:28:00.000+08:00

I think I read too much fiction.
Rusdie, Orwell, Dahl, Wilde, Wodehouse and the works.

The only time I read non-fiction is if there is a purpose and reason to do so and not out of sheer pleasure.

If you know of any good non fiction books , please suggest them here. Tech- related and geek-books are not entirely welcome, though. There are something I still cannot stomach

2005-05-27T20:20:00.000+08:00

The trick is to keep breathing

I think that damn Elizabeth Wurtzel made it seem like it only natural for average , normal people to fall into massive depression and hurt everyone and everything around them.

You know, if you take away the usual tough childhood-absent father-absent mother-repressed-childhood trauma-chased by dogs-got bitten by a snake-bullied in school routine, all you get is an asshole who just mean and cruel.
And really, there is no excuse for that

2005-05-24T17:55:00.000+08:00

I have a sneaky feeling that there are 2 ways to explore Indochina. You can pay an unearthly amount of money to be escorted by a tour guide from Saigon to Hanoi, stay in clean places, eat sterile food and buy t-shirts that say "Good morning Saigon!" Or, you can buy a copy of Lonely Planet, travel on the local busses to save some pitiful amount, eat beef noodles by the road side, claim you're getting 'the real deal' but still end up in the same locations as the tourist who took package deals from Happy Happy Tours or Sinh Cafe.
Travel in Vietnam/Laos/Thailand is so commercialized that no matter where you turn there is a fellow backpacker who is doing the same route as suggestion by Lonely Planet. And the moment a location that used to be rustic or secluded gets publized by Lonely Planet, you can count on that location getting the 'backpacker ruin' treatment. That means every place starts looking identical: rows of internet cafe, laundry shops, travel agents, cheap booze, cheap accomodation and people who wont stop harressing you to buy items you have no use for.

I suppose that why I am so glad I did the 5 day trip on a motorbike, covering 800km of central Vietnam. For 5 days it was an understanding of how they live, the small industries that they operate, the food they eat, the way the minorities adapt to a new environment, the rampant slash and burn, the valleys, forest, waterfalls, the Ho Chi Minh trail, the sheer remote-ness of the country was practically ruined in a war
I think the experience was completed by the fact we had first rate, anti-communist, anti-government,rebel-like, environmentalist guides who never grew tired of telling stories about themselves and people of Vietnam. Travelling 5 days with complete strangers can be daunting, but I think they are examples of how there is still some old-fashioned goodness in the world.
Maybe its a freaky coincidence that this trip was taken right after i read Zen and the Art of motocycle maintaince. Although I did not finish the book, one line stands out (not verbatim): When you're on a motorbike, your vision increases and you notice vastness that would be impossible to notice if you were looking from a bus window
It's true. Its all true

There was more that I did, bought and saw but they are no different from what you read in a travel mag.

2005-05-14T19:31:00.000+08:00

Home!
Land of ample masala tea and post cereal and dimsum! Broadband! Cable TV! Reality shows! My own comforter and bed!
It's so good to be back. I think when you realize you want to be home and you want to wake up in the same place everyday, that mark the end of the travel bug

2005-04-25T23:30:00.000+08:00

Out of sheer blogging tradition, here's John Denver 's Leaving on a Jetplane. Although i suspect the journey will involve mostly trains, buses, boats and tuk-tuks. And walking. Lotsa walking

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here, outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But now dawn is breaking, its early morn
The taxi's waiting, its blowing its horn.
Already I'm so lonesome, I could cry

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Cause I'm leaving on jetplane
Dont know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go

2005-04-22T16:17:00.000+08:00

You wanna hear about my new obsession. I'm riding high upon a deep depression. Im only happy when it rains- Garbage

I feel like I'm streched in all direction, with so many loose ends to tie before I go off. Finals to settle, leave to confirm, Masters proposal to hand in, things to buy, money to change. I have a dreadful feel I am going to get calls from the office asking me about the most mundane paperwork that I have yet to give in

Either that or I am going to be 'somewhere in Saigon' before I slap my forehead and realize that I forgot to pack clean underwear. Or worse still, realize that that I have a pocket full of Ringgit which I forgot to change. Or something equally Annie-like. Thank god now I have travel insurance! And slighly more intelligence! And a credit card! Spending tomorrow's money today!

On a nicer note, do tell me if there are any myths about IndoChina that you always wondered about, and we will try to investigate it for you. Like, do Vietnamese really eat dog meat? Is electricity really rationed in Laos? Is Bangkok really a sex-trade hub?
Oh you get the idea

2005-04-19T14:01:00.000+08:00

To err is human , but it feels divine -Mae West

So it's happened. I am starting to find the parties boring. I know you'll roll your eyes and tell me I've always been a stick - in- the mud but now I actually feel restless and bored although there are about 30 people around, all doing 30 different things.
I kept thinking how I rather be at home, watching mindless TV, while fixing something to eat in the kitchen

2005-04-07T12:37:00.000+08:00

Reality is for people who cant cope with drugs

I cant sleep at nights. Some say its insomnia? I've been trying these things:
a) air the bedroom
b) change the bedsheets, put the pillows, comforter out in the sun
c) Swim in the late evening till my limbs ache
d) have a sip of Baileys before I sleep
e) drink milk

Here are other suggestions from well meaning friends
a) take dope
b) drink 1/2 a bottle of cough cyrup
c) get sex
d) dont bother getting sleep, be happy I have more hours than the rest of mankind
e) get admitted to a hospital for monitoring purpose

Why cant someone just suggest AND hand me sleeping pills?

2005-04-03T21:42:00.000+08:00

Just so I know

I have a great job. I enjoy my temp. part time job. I rent a room in a lovely, cosy house that almost looks like an Ikea showroom. I have not one, but THREE P.G Wodehouse books that I borrowed from the library. I dont get migraines anymore and I cant remember the last time I fell sick. I have a holiday planned in 3 weeks. And I've discovered a musical genius called John Mellencamp.

This is not a show of defiance or bravado. It's so I know I have very little grounds to complain.

Its just the rain, the puddles of mud, and the soggy pants. And Dave Matthews Band. They make you feel morose and bleak

2005-04-02T12:51:00.000+08:00

I love the movie Sideways.
I think its unpretentious, warm and fuzzy and I love movies where there is a lovable, bumbling klutzy loser.

I suppose thats the common trait in the movies that I love: the existance of a slightly dyfunctional, tortured familly/person who has the world against them. The kind of movies where the good guys dont always get the girl, the female lead is klutz with a heart of gold, and the supporting actors are either unhappy or ends up dying. Its no wonder I can watch Annie Hall, American Beauty , Almost Famous and Laurel Canyon repeatedly

2005-03-18T18:15:00.000+08:00

My office room needs to look like it has more 'personality'. Rather than just make it like a jumbled, harried room filled with 'things', I would love to just have posters like these:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/brain/whereisit.cgi?t=posters&x=0&y=0

I especially love the poster with the picture of a McDonald's fries and the caption Not Everyone Gets To Be An Astronaut When They Grow Up

How much more inspiring can you get?

These posters cost US15. by the way. If you dont have that money to spread the cheer to students, think of more cynical posters I can put on my door

2005-03-13T21:11:00.000+08:00

I no longer come to my office at night. Call it a case of listening to too many ghost stories and an irreversible childhood in a sleepy town.

Two Sundays ago, I was here till 2am and got a bad case of the spooks. It was everything you’d imagine seeing in a B-grade horror flick : long. Dark corridors, me fumbling to find the keys to lock the office, using my hand-phone as a light source, the phone falling down AND shattering to tiny parts, groping in the dark for the phone but unable to assemble it all in the dark, finding the light to the bathroom but hesitating to go in 2am because of how all the horror stories centre upon the bathroom.

Then there is the wait for the lift, not knowing if I should stand with my back facing the lift or facing the long dark alley, having the lift stop at the 2^nd floor although there is no one around, wondering if anything got into the lift with me. All these thing play into my mind at 2am and they seem so real although I’ll kick myself in the morning because they seem so stupid and trivial.

Its ironic because 2-3 years ago I never used to have a problem roaming this area in the night, yet now I am so cautious and spooked its almost amusing. Maybe it’s a case of no longer feeling invincible; a byproduct of growing older

2005-02-05T15:50:00.000+08:00

Kids, this is what you call a power breakfast:

80g Post Raisin Bran Cereal
30ml Low Fat Milk
6 bottle caps of Baileys
SLiced bananas/strawberries (optional)

Mix all in a bowl. Becareful you dont soak the cereal too long else it turns to mush.
See if you're not in a delightful mood the whole morning

2005-02-05T15:31:00.000+08:00

I have not been updating this blog because, well, nothing dramatic nor interesting happened in the public part of my life. You know, the part that I dont mind sharing with the rest of mankind nor the 4-5 people who still visit this site daily.

But today I had such a nice suprise it warrants a public announcement. I came home to find a package in my mail box with a return address in L.A. Now it was a pleasant suprise as it is to find out the sender was an old school time buddy, but guess what the package contained: Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses! Totally new! Unread! Still wrapped in plastic and had that 'brand new' smell!

So to you, dear boy, who stumbled on my blog, saw that I dig Rushdie books and got the one book that is not sold in Malaysia, still kept my address from 5 years ago and cared enough to mail me a gift and a letter, You Rock! Thank you for making my week.

2005-01-20T01:32:00.000+08:00

Whats that they say about Bridget Jones relationship with Daniel Cleaver? And the relationship between women and chocolates?

You know they're really bad for you, and yet you cant fucking stay away.

It's a brand new year, folks. Wouldnt it be lovely if our abilty to do truly daft things, reduce in relation to our age?

2004-12-22T01:11:00.000+08:00

You know,

I've just had better days

2004-12-16T11:55:00.000+08:00

I have an annoucement. I have recently discovered the books by literature genius known as Salman Rusdie. Ah, you snicker, dear readers, for I am a few years behind time because the 'in' books to read today would be "Life of Pi" or "Da VInci's Code". And you may sound dubious too, because not everybody would classify Rusdie as a literature genius nor label his books as engrossing nor classify it as a classic

Try reading "The moor's last sigh". How can you not laugh at the siblings named Ina, Minnie, Mynah, Moor. Or the dog named Jawarhal , nicknamed Jaw-jaw because its all bark, no bite. Or wonder why this fiction can be so outlandish yet tries to seem realistic.
And I'm hooked. Thank god Malaysian book stores carry his books, with the exception of Satanic Verses.

Now, if you excuse me, I have this occational itch to do something brazen, daring, outrageous (read :daft and unnessesary) without having an actual idea what would cure that itch. You know how it is, that burst of bravado and determination only to wake up , do a double take and think " Please god, tell me I didnt"

2004-12-06T10:36:00.000+08:00

Its December, and I was going to write remind myself -and everybody here- how much I loathe the most over-rated season of all: the year end. The birthday, Christmas and New Year season all come rolling in full force, knock you out before you can say " whaa?"
But exciting things are happening at the end of this year . With goals, intent, time, money, effort and hope on the line, who has time to mope? But out of sheer blogging tradition, here are the Counting Crows, reminding you its December

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.

And talked a little while about the year

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,

Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself

To hold on to these moments as they pass-

A long December, Counting Crows-

2004-11-30T11:04:00.000+08:00

In the duration I've been working here, I've called in sick for than I actually had to. I've called in sick if I so much as sneeze in the morning, I've called in sick because of so -called jet lag, I've called in sick because of sleep deprivation, I've called in sick if I was unwell the night before, 'so that i can rest and recover'. Add that with the one week I took medical leave because I had mumps, my records must show me as a really sickly being.

In all those situations, I could have weathered it out and just worked, but eating cereal at 9am while watching Oprah at home was always more attractive. Not realizing of course, that the day may come where I really need to call in sick, and not have anyone raise an eyebrow. Like today. Here I am, with an eye infection that's getting from bad to worse. yesterday it just looked blood shot, today it's flaming red and it feels like there's a watery layer in my eyes, blocking my vision. I keep having to blink furiously just to see the PC screen. And it bloody well hurts too.
It's can infect the people around me of course, but I think even the panel doctor will think its odd how often I'm capable of falling ill.

So work it is

2004-11-24T13:46:00.000+08:00

There's no place like home

There are no pictures, of course.

But there was a 22 hour flight, unbearable cold , godawful food followed by pre-packed Brahims chicken curry and a Malaysian Raya lunch. Followed by a very memorable lunch at a Caribbean restaurant and an even more memorable winter BBQ that had more greens than meat. And not forgetting Campton town, which I loved. Its the more colourful, un-sterile part of London where people on the streets ask if you wanna buy dope. Its no wonder its dubbed 'a great place if you dont mind getting shot'.

Then there was Budapest, with its castles, labyrinths, terror museums, Soviet-like metro trains, roman public baths, more castles with a moor, my proudest purchase: a winter jacket, bascilicas and the lodging which was simply beds in an attic. At least now I know Budapest is actually divided to 2 parts by a river: Buda and Pest. If you ever make it there, do stay at Caterina's Guest house. Not only is it comfy and snug, its located in the most scenic boulevard in Budapest and its owned by a bent, crackling old lady ala the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

And then there was walking and more walking, light snow in Cambridge, a rude and unhospitable host, hot baths and Emirates airlines which not only had great food but actually had Casablanca and Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf for the inflight movies. Aint that wonderful, gorging myself on movies on a failed romance and a deranged marriage.

And thats that. Intersting how I have good things to say about eveything but the actual reason I was there

2004-11-10T09:53:00.000+08:00

What I would not give to be present in a room, listing to an acceptance speech like this by Arundhati Roy on accepting the Sydney Peace Prize:

"War mongering is criminal. But talking of peace without talking of justice could easily become advocacy for a kind of capitulation. And talking of justice without unmasking the institutions and the systems that perpetrate injustice, is beyond hypocritical"

"It has been only a few weeks since a majority of Australians voted to re-elect Prime Minister John Howard who, among other things, led Australia to participate in the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq. The invasion of Iraq will surely go down in history as one of the most cowardly wars ever fought. It was a war in which a band of rich nations, armed with enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world several times over, rounded on a poor nation, falsely accused it of having nuclear weapons, used the United Nations to force it to disarm, then invaded it, occupied it and are now in the process of selling it."

http://www.zmag.org/content/showarticle.cfm?ItemID=6594

2004-11-05T12:09:00.000+08:00

Think Daily Mirror's headlines summed it up: "How can 59,054,087 people be so dumb?"

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/allnews/tm_objectid=14832118%26method=full%26siteid=50143%26headline=war%2dmore%2dyears-name_page.html

Try reading that article with the tune " God must be away on business" and you can pleasantly sink into mild depression. I'm not even American, and I feel bothered about the election results. Imagine the thousand of people who campaigned for the past 9 months, persuading, cajoling, fighting people to vote for Kerry. All those average citizens who turned out at rallies holding hand made posters and signs asking for a change. Would they think its all a lost cause now?

Why Ohio, why? =[

We're leaving for UK in about 6 days. (read: 6 more days to encounter cold that I cannot switch off and live among people who think good tea can be made by dipping teas bags in lukewarm water. Ha! ) I hate the cold , I truly do. Everytime I am in a cold room, my mind only focuses on a) switching off the air con , b) pilling on more clothes c) the possibly of my nose becoming too numb and falling off, hence a habit of rubbing my nose till it turns red. That aside, we get to be in the elistist Unis of Oxford and Cambridge! And buy tax-free booze! And live like penniless hobos! (in many ways we are). Sleep in the airports! And spend tomorrow's money today! 3rd world citizens contributing to 1st world economy! Credit is a wonderful concept!

Breaking news: turns out we're ditching Wales for Budapest! 3 whole days in Hungary, which I suspect, will include a walking tour of the porn industry of Budapest. Actually I would not be suprised if that was the intended reason for going to Hungary all along. But that would be more plesant that Russian prision/Gulag live- in experience for tourist that my partner discovered. Who the hell would spent money to eat prision food , sleep on lices-infected beds and then be afraid to pick up the soap in the communal bathroom?

2004-10-28T17:16:00.000+08:00

Listening to more inane 80s song as all attempts to find Tori Amos song on Shoutcast has failed . My speakers and my headphones are working fine now, thanks to those colour coded wires, whatchamajiggy. So those colours were NOT just for decorative reasons =]

Its a quiet(er) day in the office, with the boss being away. I am sitting here wondering what I'll miss most about this office when I leave it .

First there is the toilet, which has renewed my believe that there can be a Clean Malaysian Toilet. Its one of those toilets that has a fake plant near the sinks, the cleaners wash it every hour and it has those perfumed sachets thats released by the hour by some apperatus on the wall. Its clean, functioning, doesnt have graffiti on the wall, never wet and the doors can always be locked. Those are things I cant say about the new place's toilets.

Then there is the lift. The one that has a programed female voice saying, " Welcome to .............. This lift serves upper deck and odd floors only" And when you reach your floor , it says " 15th floor. Have a good day!" I love these computer generated voices. It's almost like you're being looked out for, yet you dont have to reciprocate, which suits me truly fine.

There's also the cafe downstairs where the workers wear these smart lil aprons and open the doors for you. I go there so often, buying the same damn sandwich that now when they see me, they ask , " the usual, Miss?". Imagine that, I'm have a 'usual'. Sounds very yuppie-ish. Then there is the mamak dude near the station who sees me coming to the shop and packs my Iced Coffee without even being asked, every day without fail. And when I dont go in, they actually notice and ask me about it the next day. How that for service, eh?

I like this place because its clean, and it has a gym thats functioning. And its slighly posh, not a run down building with cracked walls like the new place. But as human beings you need to feel like you're doing something at work, some value added work that will benefit someone or something, somewhere. And if you dont, you'll just feel frustrated and annoyed and if you're me, you'll just torture yourself with worst-case senarios which will just age you further.

Note: How does one put that Worlds banner on the blog? Mine keeps getting some error message.

2004-10-21T01:18:00.000+08:00

My speakers AND headphones are not working!! What are the chances that both my methods of listening to music goes kaput the same time? It was working up to yesterday but I took the headphone back home and when I tried to plug it back, there is no volume. Nothing, not a squeak, not a pip, just silence.

I know, i know, knowing myself, I could have plugged it wrongly , forgot to turn on the power for the speakers, accidently set the volume at mute, or something equally daft. If one of you were here, I can imagine you immediately locating the problems, rolling your eyes and sighing at me and then fixing the problem. And if you can just bring back sound to my cubicle, I'll can tolerate a month of the"You wouldn't believe how tech-challenged she is" talk.

Sigh. Goodbye BBC radio, goodbye obscure radio stations that play 80s music, goodbye Canadian radio adverts promoting TV series, goodbye escapism, goodbye !
Looks like its back to listening to the hum from the air con

:-( :-(

2004-10-08T16:47:00.000+08:00

If you know me, you might know I'm slightly anti social and tend to stick to people I know rather than meet meet new people. the whole 'listen-act interested-dont cuss-dont tell them they're a dumbass-giggle-sip water-engage in conversation-laugh at jokes' routine get a bit tiring. I think I resigned myself to the role of a recluse when I realized I was more interested in sleeping/watching TV/talking to my dog than having a social life.

So its a bit of a suprise that the next few days are splattered with meet ups. Meet ups with my old school friends (they called my house, I got cornered !), people from BookCrossing (almost all of them strangers to me) and of course dinner with close friends whom I thankfully very much like.

The objective of these gatherings shall be to "engage in conversations and make people feel included." Wouldn't hurt to enjoy myself too.

2004-10-07T16:56:00.000+08:00

Politics, anyone?

Too often, I've used the term 'liberal democracy' and taken them to mean, liberal ideologies (or the Democrat's campaign stance) . I know now, that liberal democracy means the political movements and the election process, more than the social believes of the people. A liberal democracy are countries that 'have a fair election process, a healthy mix of political parties and the non-intimidation of party members, leaders'. Some also include free press and independent judiciary as part of a liberal democracy.

I like to believe I'm a Liberal, and by that, I mean, I believe in people's right to live their existance however they want. You can be a hippie, a chain smoker, a school drop out, sucidal , dope user, an intellectual, a tree hugger, a religious figure for all I care. Just don't bug me, don't gvie me any disease, and for heaven's sake, stay outta my property. To me, the best way of co-existing with people you are forced to co-exist with, is to just live seperate lifestyles and I have great respect for people who have a non-inteference policy.

Which is why I find the support for the Republican party, so baffling. How is posibble that 45% of the voters support a President that justifies intrusion and regulation of people's private life? A Leader who is anti -abortion rights, anti-homosexual marriages, place limitation on stem cell research, suggest a reversal of the Title IX? Given , the focus now is more on the US foreign policy and the economy's deficit . Hence supporting the Republican's stand on social issues could just be a needed compromise. Yet, when latest reports show no WMD stockpile in Iraq and no link between Saadam Hussien and the 9/11 attacks, why the huge support for Bush?

I doubt I will ever figure out why, but I am intrigued how people justify limiting the rights and freedom of fellow citizens. Too much Hollywood and MTV has had me thinking Americans are all foul-mouthed, dope smoking, tree-hugging, sex-experimenting hippies.

Note: This is an interesting political blog for those who wanna understand the Republican supporters

2004-10-01T11:57:00.000+08:00

First it was the Malaysian Sale, then some dodgy warehouse sales by Brit labels and now Metrojaya anniversary sale, Unilever warehouse sale and I bet there will be more Sales sighting by the the time I'm done posting this entry.

Could it be, after all those years of being living the classic poverty-striken student, I've morphed into an impulsive shopper? I cant help myself alright? There are certain happiness that only money can buy. Besides, I had a deranged childhood and a godawful dress sense for a large portion of my life and I'm feverishly making up for it now.

But forget clothes per se. What I really wanna see on the discounted rack are these things:

a) Post cereal- raisin and oatmeal flavor : Forget Nestle conflakes, that sorry excuse for breakfast. With Post cereal, you'll almost look forward to waking up in the morning. You might even have that chirpy demenour people have in cereal commercials, but lets not push it. Problem is at RM10 bucks a box eaten for breakfast and sometimes dinner, it doesnt last too long

b) The Deluxe ~~Monopoly Set~~ Scrabble Set - Because the board and the tiles holders are made outta wood!! And, and the board can be turned 360 degrees to accomodate all 4 players. Thing is, why would I want a full priced Deluxe set, when I play scrabble against myself?

c) Certain shelves in Kinokuniya Stores- Because books cost too much, which is a ironic considering the war cries for this nation to read more books. How was the governemnt planning to achieve that? A sing-along rendition of "I Love Books" on the national television channels?

d) A sense of humour - because trying to develop a natural sense of humour has failed.

2004-09-29T11:04:00.000+08:00

After one entire year of teaching tuition, yesterday was my last, and I mean, very last class. From this point on, I will have 2 nights a week FREE.

I can almost taste the delicious-ness of those words: 2 nights a week FREE. And that includes a Friday night, mind you.

The kids were adequetly sorry when I annouced I wont be teaching them. But whether they let out yelps of delights when I turned my back towards them, i really cant tell. Doris and Jeannie gave me colourings of Mickey Mouse as a thank you note, but when I was leaving, they marched up to me and demanded it back. They said it was too pwetty to be given away.

2004-09-21T10:17:00.000+08:00

No, not a holiday. But a forced 'recovery retreat', like that chick lit, "Rachel's holiday" Difference being Rachel was a potential aneroxic, alcoholic, junkie, substance abuser who was in the danger of constanting over-dosing herself, and thought it was normal. Entertainment side effects, she called it. Oh, and she was in the Gucci-Prada-Versace totting league too.

Quite honestly, a 'forced retreat' doesnt sound half bad. 1-2 weeks of living like a recluse with fellow whack jobs for company. I could come back feeling normal. (if being normal is over-rated, just an end to the migraines is fine) Or, I could actually feel at ease with them whackos. You know, like in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

It's been said, substance-dependence, depression, need for theraphy are mostly the "mid-class, white American male' syndrom. A group of people living a average life, without baggage and without centuries of repression, yet find ways to make it seem they have issues like everybody else. Sympathy-seeking? Guilty over a normal suburban life? Because TV says a dysfunctional family can be more lovable? Because depression and theraphy are a rich man's luxury?
That generalization is a crude and terrible way of trivializing people's problems, of course. Yet how much of it true?

2004-09-14T17:31:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, this office decided to remove the 20 mins 'morning break'.
(You know, when you go to government organizations, and the counters are always un-manned because they're always out drinking tea? It's part of their allowed working culture. Well, this organization aint too far off)
Now the top honcho decided to put a stop to it. Memos were circulated, bosses were reminding staff, the usual works.

But I dont think anyone was prepared to see guards standing in front of the food court enterance from 9-10am, taking down the IDs of those who still took morning breaks , or even those just buying coffee to take back to the cubicles

This is a work place, for crying out loud. And you thought your Universities treated you like kids

2004-09-13T12:07:00.000+08:00

I was teaching the kids those obligatory ‘there are 3 main races in Malaysia, namely the Malays, Chinese and Indians. The Malay women wear baju kurung, the Chinese celebrate Chinese New Year and the Indians eat lots of hot curry’

That’s when Benjamin, 7 of mixed parentage decided to ask, “ Miss Annie, do you know what Chindians are?” When I replied in the affirmative, he peered at his book again and said, “ well, why didn’t they write about Chindians?”

For the second time in my primary -school teaching career I didn’t know what the politically correct answer was.

I could have told him that in this country, we’re have to beconsidered Malaysian in racial blocks. You have to be one complete ethic race, with one singular culture, language, religion and background.

I could have told him that here, we dogmatically believe the nation only has 3 races worth talking about. Even if you decide to mix and match and produce offspring that can only be referred to as Malaysian because you lost track of their ethic composition , you’re forced to officially acknowledge only one race. Its as if there is no recognition of everything else that makes you you because we still practice a perverse kinda ‘divide and conquer policy’

I could have been brutally honest enough to tell him that for the rest of his life in this country, he wont see any official mention of mixed parentage so he may as well get on with life

But it’s not too fair to unload my frustration on a 7 year old kid, is it?

I could have been charming and told him that he was special, unique, different, and books have yet to recognize people who were like him because we didn’t think that far ahead.
I could have gallantly told him that if books don’t mention his race, then he should write an essay about himself and read it to the class because the books obviously have shortcomings

But I didn’t do any of the above. Instead, being a lame ass, somewhat spineless being,I took the easy way out by smiling sweetly and changing the subject

2004-09-06T16:35:00.000+08:00

Spent 2 days traveling through 6 states and ended up at the northern most state : Perlis.
I think the first thing that struck me was how clearer your vision can be in a rural area, thanks to the lack of pollution. colors seem sharper, everything seemed crisper and just brighter.
And the space. Houses, buildings, fields are so far apart with all that space/land in between because they must cost a dime a dozen. I am a somewhat town kid, so the idea of not needing to share your house walls/roof/floor, parking space, recreation area, coffee shop, lifts, buses with too many strangers is something out of a fantasy.

But that’s that. Now I’m sitting in the office in my familiar cubicle, with the familiar headache, trying to get into work mode. I am also wondering how to spend an entire day in this environment, without cursing/swearing or lacing sentences with completely unnecessary cuss words when it is such an integral part of my vocab.

If you excuse me, I need to find a scanner and I don’t even know how it looks like, never mind knowing how to use it

R.E.M -Bad day

It's been a bad day, please don't take my picture,

It's been a bad day, pleaseI

t's been a bad day, please don't take my picture,

It's been a bad day, please

A public service announcement followed me home the other day,

I bade it nevermind,

The shit's so thick, you could stir it with a stick,

the paper wouldn't lie, we assume the loss to mankind and gloat and jeer with it

Broadcast me a joyful noise into the times, Lord,

count your blessings, ignore the lowest fear, come one, what more?

2004-09-04T14:37:00.000+08:00

Went to get painkillers/drugs/medication from the clinic downstairs. It's always been fun looking at the doctor's wide-eyed expression when I tell them how much drugs i can consume in a day. Either that or they look at those medical charts, realize the frequency of the visits, and wonder if I am peddling subsidized medication somewhere else.

Came back to The Cubicle and what do you know, the MP3 started playing Verve's 'The Drugs Dont Work'

How's that for irony? I could almost feel worldly disapproval vibrating through that song

2004-08-26T09:59:00.000+08:00

I've always believed that Saturdays are not meant for work.
My saturday workdays involve lolling out out bed at 6.30 am, cursing my luck for not having a usual 5 day per week working hour. Then go to work in 'casual wear' and be greeted by some chubby 5 year old brat who followed his mommy to work. The rest of the day would be spent 'clearing the desk', clock watching and endulging in some mindless meeting that is held to justify our presence in the office.

Believe me, nothing important nor productive can be done when people are too busy planning their social/family life once the clock strikes one. Or if people keep complaining about how rest requires 2 days back to back, not 1 day plus.

Thank god the top honchos in this company have realized that and are giving us 5 days per week working hours.

Yay!

2004-08-19T17:31:00.000+08:00

Elton John’s song Tiny Dancer wont stop playing in my head . That’s the song from the movie Almost Famous, starring Kate Hudson and its a movie I love as much as Annie Hall for their off-beat romance, quirkiness, poignancy (?) and the fact that both doesn’t have a typical happy-ever-after ending. Diane Keaton and Woody Allen’s character don’t end up together and neither do Kate Hudson and Patrick Fugit’s characters

The scene where the song is played in the movie is so cliché it’s embarrassing. Its when the band Stillwater is traveling on tour bus after a night of heavy partying. Everybody is pooped, tired and grumpy, and there are slight rifts between the band members.
Then the bus’s radio starts playing Tiny Dancer, and someone in the bus starts humming it. and the humming gets louder, people grudgingly sing along at first but later it’s so infectious that it becomes a full-fledged effort by almost everyone on board.

Yes, yes, it’s a common sing-along but there’s something touching about a group of hung- over rock stars and their groupies/band-aids living the whole “sex, drugs and rock and roll” life, singing a melancoly song like this:

Tiny Dancer-Elton John

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street

Handing tickets out for God

Turning back she just laughs

The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand

In the auditorium

Looking on she sings the songs

The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real

Lying here with no one near

Only you and you can hear me

When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

you had a busy day today

2004-08-10T12:27:00.000+08:00

My grandmother always said, 'This, too, shall pass.' "

the hotel bellman to Juliannne
-My Best Friend's Wedding, 1997-

2004-08-01T12:01:00.000+08:00

They shoot thieves, dont they?

Last night, a thief tried to break in my neighbour's house 2 doors away and was intending to steal the car.
Unfortunetly for him, the house owner and his family woke up in time to discover a car thief trying to steal their car. They -and perhaps other from the neighbourhood- beat up the thief in sheer outrage, tried his legs and handed him to the police

The thief didnt quite make it to the police station. He died on the way to the hospital.

While I was sleeping from exhaustion, while my mates were partying away elsewhere, while geeky-sexy men were coding away, while a genocide is happening in Sudan and while the US is preparing itself for an election, my mild mannered neighbours turned into a brutal blood thirsty mob.
A mob that just killed a man
(assuming of course, the police didnt have anything to do with it)

Today morning, stories are being re-told with a hint of smugness. People, including my parents conclude the story by saying good riddance to bad rubbish as they go about having brunch, washing their cars and whatever it is a suburban family does on a Sunday.
You can be sure, boys and girls, that the recent Malaysia 'war' against snatch thieves and common robbers is getting the citizen's support and participation.

What nauseating news did you hear today?

2004-07-30T16:37:00.000+08:00

It's the late Douglas Adams, everybody!

Ok, I have a confession. I only read the first 2 books in Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy. The third book struck me as forced-the kind that is written post- success, and thus fails to keep up with the first two. And so, despite having bought a compilation of 5 (yes, Five) of HGTTG, I only completed the first 2 without any intention to read anymore. Next time, advice from Geeks who tell you the compilation books is an absolute must-have should be taken with a pinch of salt.
Maybe because the best parts of the books were centered in the first 2 . Discussion on where notices about the destructions of the world was pasted, the hitchhikers meeting and having a conversation with the animals they are about to consume, the animals going off to cheerfully slaughter themselves while promising to be ‘humane’ the suicidal robot who has pains going through his diodes, “there’s nothing about time travel that well adjusted family cant handle” referring to how you can be your own grandpa.
After a while, not being to able pronounce most of the names/locations and not able to keep up with the zaniness kinda got to me

That’s why I much prefer Douglas Adam’s Salmon of doubt, which I am still reading. It’s a collection of his columns/introductions/speeches/radio show snippets published or heard by the public in his lifetime. It appeals to me, because the book reads like a standup comedy: just ramblings about the problems of daily life, obsession with Beatles, childhood ‘trauma’ of being too tall his shorts had to be custom made, music bands that don’t make album after a hit single coz’they don’t have the material’ ,travels, Mexican desert, Gin and Tonic, quirks, etc.

But I think I truly felt a connection with Mr. Adams when he dedicated a whole column to complain about how his computer almost had an obstinate disposition, never allowing him to just on it, complete his work and play without any problems. Look, to me,anybody who thinks computers have a life of its own and gets some sadistic pleasure of never allowing you to get the results that you want, is a kindred spirit

2004-07-23T11:22:00.000+08:00

Moving floors. Moving cubicles.

The new boss is a peach of a lady, trying to instill value and recongnition in the job functions. Trying to ensure that there is always pride in the work, no matter how boring, mundane or insignificant it may look. Trying to tell us, you count. you matter. you're important. Trying to ensure that all the reports, analysis, ideas are viewed/read even if its impact is nothing more than a drop in the sea.
People like this makes going to work, a tad bit more uplifting

Still, there is an undeniable fear than I too may end up a forgetable, forgotten worker, stuck in the last cubicle of the office (really) , never indulging in office gossip, never really 'in' and never really 'out'. Shelved 'somewhere in a large Telco' churning out the same reports on Excel sheets that nobody even reads nevermind cares.
Year after year after year

Now if you excuse me, I need to purge some of this negative air

2004-07-22T14:47:00.000+08:00

I had sore throat for 2 days and lost my voice for about 48 hours. What's interesting is that I realised losing my voice made no difference in my interaction as I speak to about 1 person a day : the girl whose cubicle is beside mine. And even that is limited to grunts of how-do-you-do and fine-thank-you.

Can you imagine? Having coffee in the morning, taking the bus, taking the LRT, coming to work, having lunch, mailing the girls almost hourly, listening to Mclachlan's songs, going to the gym, going home, watching TV, reading, playing scrabble, taking the dog for walks; almost everything I do daily doesnt include face-to-face interaction with a fellow human being.

I can actually survive by not talking to people

Not too sure if its praiseworthy, though

2004-07-15T09:27:00.000+08:00

A rep from Celcom’s Customer Service called me to apologize for the mistakes they made and said they’ll give me a pitiful amount of money for compensation. A poor bloke on their end stammered an apology , said he was new, too many new fangled items to manage, etc etc. I pretended to file my nails and tried to sound bored and bitchy only to fail miserably because my heart is only partially made of stone.

MMU1 was in the AustralAsians finals (!!) only to lose to Monash 1. They’re home now, and so the daily emails will continue to humor and warm me in this Siberia-like office room
And as if I cant get enough of the cold in a tropical country, I am going to go a supposedly cold resort -like place for the weekend . To quote GZY, its to “breathe in the cool air and eat strawberries and pretend the world is round and filled with joy and love”

All’s well in the world, boys and girls

Except that I am sipping ice coffee from a 10cm tall purple mug with a silver color mouthpiece (or whatchamaycallit) when I’m not sure if it’s meant to have coffee in it. It was a department souvenir and its one of those fancy mugs that you see on display; not unlike the classy ones in Royal Selangor. It even has my department name and year embossed by the side and looks like it belongs in a display cabinet. I suppose it is more like a memento than anything else.
Maybe it is. There is no other reason why everyone who passes by my cubicle does a double take.

2004-07-02T16:06:00.000+08:00

Pissing on Celcom Careline (part 2)

Yesterday evening, I discovered that I could not make any outgoing calls nor send SMS from my phone. So I did what any self –respecting , (naïve) tech-illiterate person would do: call the customer careline again. In hindsight, it seems like a self-defeating thing to do considering the poor service, long wait time and too much huming and hawing from seemingly untrained professionals

After waiting 8 mins, I get through a consultant who told me my phone was barred. Yes, barred. Why? Because ”I” reported my phoneline missing/stolen, which I obviously didn’t.
My only explanation would be that when I called on Thursday morning, the service consultant interpreted the question “How can I change my billing address” as “ My phone has been stolen! Quick! Use all your powers to bar all outgoing calls before I get hit with a bill the amount of Nauru’s GDP”

The gripe I have is this
a) It could have been a honest mistake or it could have been an utter irresponsibility and carelessness. Both doesn’t take away the fact that was deprived from making calls the entire day. And it doesn’t take away the fact that it was an inconvenience for me, not to mention a hassle trying to find out the root cause of why I couldn’t initially make calls
b) Being charged for making calls to the Careline. Since I cant make calls from my handphone, I had to use a fixed line to call them. Getting through to a consultant took 8 mins. Getting answers from her, being on hold again, asking more questions, waiting longer for answers, talking(complaining) to her supervisor meant that my call took a grand total of 25 mins. Again, the question would be, why should I pay for their inefficiency and lack of PR skills?

To be fair, the supervisor told me they were having a system upgrade to incorporate both Celcom and TM Touch Users (isn’t computer error the most convenient excuse). She also did acknowledge that under normal circumstances they’d answer a call before 3 mins of being on hold and general questions would be answered in 2-3 mins. Well, at least they have a benchmark. A good test would be to call in 2 months and see if its really being applied.

I am not sure how other telecommunication service centers are run. But by any standard, not acknowledging 2 complain letters, having long waiting time and being apathetic towards customers are simply unacceptable.Of course, the reasonable thing to do is to terminate all services with them and move on to Digi or Maxis. The thing is I’m getting a mighty good deal here, thanks to those ‘lil employment perks. Yet I don’t think good deals mean I can/should/must take everything lying down.

Note: MCMC deals with consumer’s complaints against Telecommunications/Multimedia companies but I have a feeling the dispute needs to be significantly large if you want their interference. See here for the complaint form

2004-07-01T12:38:00.000+08:00

Celcom's careline for 013 and 019 phone users is a sorry excuse for a customer service centre

The last 2 days, I have made 3 calls to the hotline, in the morning, afternoon and night. All times, I keyed in the option to talk to a consultant. All those times, I was on hold for more than 5 minutes and listened to the chipy recording message repeat about 4 rounds. I always hung up after the 4th repeated voice recording because chirpiness and futile waiting can be grating on the nerves. That and the line "your call is important to us" got a little too hard to believe.

Today, i finally got through a human, after waiting for 8 mins and even still, I was continuosly kept on hold while he switched on his PC(?), skimmed through my records and went through a series of verification. In the end, it took me 18 mins to get an answer to my question

Let me ask you,
a) Is 5 mins too long a wait? Digi, Maxis, TimeDotCom and even non telephony services like Maybank2u , have excellecent customer service hotlines where the customer service consultant will be available less than 3 mins of waiting

b) Can machines ever replace the 'human touch'? I realize that irrespective of how companies try to streamline the complain, in the end, people always opt to talk to a consultant. So why cant that option be available upfront, instead of going through a series of button-punching and verifications only to talk to someone who will ask you all the information that you just keyed in anyway?

c) Are calls to customer service centres usually free? According to Celcom's careline, calls made to the centre thats not from a 013/019 line will be charged 30cents a minute. My question is, if someone on their end is inefficient or cant handle the huge call traffic that I am forced to on the phone for 18 mins, why should I be charged?

d) Would you ever change services, be it banks, phones, phone lines, insurance, etc if you discovered that they were giving you shoddy customer service? How much would it take for your annoyance to be translated to actually migrating services even if you're getting a value-for-money service now

(I've sent a formal complaint to them, lets see if anything materializes, although I have a feeling the letter may just be coffee coaster)

Almost everyday, I sit here and listen to them ask why Maxis is the favoured ISP and phone line provider, why Redtone and TimeGold is exponentially gaining market shares, why in the MCMC report, TM Touch and Celcom are lagging in the customer service department. They sit here, looking delightfully perplexed at the erratic nature of the customers and think of grand plans to retain old customers and to gain new ones
In the end, I guess, its the simple -like talking to a human and not a machine-that always retain customers, and some companies have capitialized on it more than others

2004-06-22T14:58:00.000+08:00

I was reading Meesh’s experience on going to a slimming center and the humiliation and agony that goes with it. And with that reading, came the realization that plastic surgery/ liposuction/ botox are on the list things I would do without hesitation.

Ideally we’ll all have a life changing experience where we learn to accept every scar, stretch mark, cellulite, flab, hairy legs that makes us . Maybe it’s a lover, maybe it’s a movie, maybe its humiliation and anger, making its looking at your naked self in the mirror and thinking, hey, I aint so bad. Ideally.

However, there’s something depressing about constantly shopping for L sized clothes. Or having Miss Flat and Stick-like look at you pityingly and tell you “sorry Miss, only in A and B cups”.
In this region, at least, shopping can almost be a humiliating experience since clothing are targeted at the stereotype petite Asians with oh so slim hips and small perky breasts.
(My Thai friends tell me that in Bangkok most women put themselves on strict diets because its impossible to find clothes if you’re not petite. Gift even told me that Caucasian women coming to Thailand load their luggage with undergarments because they can never find lingerie for their sizes in those posh Bangkok malls)

Is it all about the clothes? Mostly. There are also parents who warn you not to eat too much for fear of becoming over-weight. Boyfriends/Girlfriends/pets who think, but never suggesting out rightly, that you could do with a toned stomach. And of course, today’s populist believe that slim=healthy=more attractive. You can blame it on the media, Twiggy, Kate Moss, 14 year olds who catwalk in Milan’s fashion shows. You can blame the reality shows, the belly rings, Bikinis and the notion of big-boned = fat=lazy= sloppy.
Ultimately, its you/me/we who made a choice to be affected and bothered and who decided to place so much self worth on those impossible standards of beauty.

Right now, constant excising has ensured that I can climb 5 flights of stairs without panting. I can do 5 minutes on that blasted, spawn of the devil Stairmaster before sliping on the puddle of water that is my sweat. I can do 20 minutes on that cycling thing and even my left arm is now more acceptable to carrying weights. Once in while I see something resembling a muscle leap when I flex my arm. I’m fitter, healthier and stronger than I used to be, no doubt about it. But I doubt I’ll ever be called slim. Nor do I have the willpower to push myself. Some people are lazy, some are pessimistic. I just happen to be both.

That’s why if I ever need a chance in my physical appearance, operations, injections, pill-that-ensures-results all sound so attractive. I’m sure there pain involved somewhere when it comes to being wrapped/sliced/massaged but if I can endure 5 years of monthly visits to the dentist, everything else is a piece of cake

Note: this blog’s lapse into personal entries is only temporary. Effective tomorrow it will resume it’s postings of political essays, suicidal rants, book reviews, excerpts of Kids Say The Darnest Things, declarations of love for scrabble, Tori Amos, CSI, The Practice , the Oprah Winfrey Show and everything else boring, mundane and ordinary for your voyeuristic pleasure

2004-06-15T16:58:00.000+08:00

I just wanna brag and you cyber voyuers can layan me. Because for once , I'm procurring more books than I am reading, which is a a rare. Right after I finish 1984, I still have:

a) Completed works of Oscar Wilde
b) All 5 books from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
c) Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams
d) Collateral Damage - A Silverfish publication (needs to be autographed by 2 of the many contributors) =]
e) Catch -22

On my PC, there are 2 online books by PG Wodehouse : Adventures of Sally and Man Upstairs And More Stort Stories. Wodehouse would be the man who created the characther Jeeves the know-all Butler. You might remember Jeeves from the infamous askjeeves.com website. If you're looking for what I think is the funniest, zaniest Brit- humour book where people are called Marmaduke and exclaim, "Goodness Gracious Me!" or "I'd say, My Chap", this is it

And no, GZY, none of these will I exchange for Sci-Fi books.

I assure you, nothing can be more orgasmic than lugging heavy Kinokurnia bags home, knowing you will have new, unread books to last you months

(I have have a vision of Praba telling me that if I spent as much time reading BBC or CNN or Economist as I do reading interesting fiction, I'd be a more politically/socially/economically aware minion that I am now)

2004-06-15T15:33:00.000+08:00

I am re-reading Orwell’s 1984. If there is one book that could make you feel wretched and depressed after reading it, this would be it.

I think it’s because we all want so badly for Winston Smith to beat the system, to defy Big Brother and the Inner Party members. I cheered when he found Julia, the hideaway little room and the bed full of bugs. When Julia found them real coffee, not Victory Coffee, when they ate sugar instead of saccharine. When Winston and Julia went for those long walks in the country side, making love on the grass without any mikes picking up their sounds. When Winston went into O’Brian’’s house and realized the telescreen could be switched off
When Winston writes, “if there is hope, it lies in the Proles”, I desperately hoped that he was right. I thought that maybe that was how the books will end- the revolution brought by the Proles

The most devastating way to end a book, is not realizing that nothing you hoped for came true. Its not even the last line of the book that reads “He loves Big Brother”. Its not even the feeling that you’ve been let down by your sickly, meek hero with the bad lungs and itchy ventricose veins
It is the realization that the party leaders knew about Winston’s diary all, they knew about his rendezvous, they knew about his hide old at the antique store. Hence, it’s the sinking feeling that everything you read and cheered for, read and felt smug , read and felt hopeful was a complete and utter lie because the party knew all along

2004-06-04T12:11:00.000+08:00

It’s a Friday, the bosses are away, I have a flu. All good reasons to halt work and go on a writing binge. Since my last 2 post have been on education, though it would be a good time to introduce my favourite 6 year old student.

You should all meet Yan Ming. 6 years, amazingly intelligent yet not a smart alec. 6 years, goes to kindergarten in the day and Year One tuition at night because she’s just too advance for the rest of her peers.
She’s got rosy, chubby cheeks and a slight tummy and walked into class all roly-poly. She wears pajamas to class and glares at anyone who makes fun of her outfit.
I tell the class about how plants die if you dont water them, like when you’re on vacation. She tells me, no, they’ll survive if it rains. I ask her what if it’s dry like the past few days. She tell me, you gotta give the keys to the neighbour so they will water your plants.

I tell the class romantized stories about how my friends and I sent messages in a bottle, hoping it would reach someone in Kenya or Nauru to initiate an odd friendship. I tell them about how people on vacation near the beach find messages in bottles from someone who sent it 10 years ago.
She just wants to know what was I doing throwing rubbish in the sea anyway

I tell the class to think of objects that are shaped like diamond. Most of them can only think of Diamond, the Jewel. This kid walks to the front of the class, bends her knees outwards in a ballet pose, looks at the shape her legs form and says, Look, my legs can form diamonds

Amazing

And then my most exasperating favorite, Randall who is the noisiest, most active, most talkative 8 year old I have seen. Once during show and tell he showed his appendix scare and talked about his trip to the hospital, the operation and the attention he got afterwards. From then, he’s been a hero for surviving what the rest think is a horrible experience.

Then there’s Kelly who looks like a young Kelly Hu and is already a hit among the boys. They all wanna sit beside her, hand out books to her. They make sentences with her name. Kelly is a hardworking girl, Kelly is playing on the swings. Kelly Kelly Kelly. She almost always wears denim and her hair is always in plaits with colorful hair accessories. I cant decide if she looks like the Street Fighter character Chun Li or if she looks like those pictures of Chinese women during the Cultural Revolution.
Once when I was my moody irritable self, she asked why I was so moody and irritable. I told her its because I work 9 hours, travel 3 hours daily and come home to teach little punks.
So she wants to know what are little punks.Am I a little punk? Are Jeannie and Jes lin punks? If Randall is chubby can he still be a little punk?I tell her you’re all my little punks. And that satisfies her.

2004-06-04T10:51:00.000+08:00

Education woes: Before it is all swept under the carpet

So all 128 high achievers of STPM will be given a place in the University to study medicine. ‘Tis is good news, of course. Feels like a national dilemma has been solved and everyone can breathe a little easier.

Unfortunately, I think there a few questions that needs to be raised AND answered.

Firstly, lets give the Education Ministry the benefit of the doubt. Lets assume its all a merit system, lets us assume that medicine was the main choice for all 128 and that the good students will be given a place in at least the first 3 course choice. How was it that 128 student who scored a perfect 4.00 CGPA i.e obtained straight As fell through the cracks of this system? If academic results are the main criteria for acceptance into University, then irrespective of how many rounds of selection process there were, these 128 should have been the first few selected. After that the steaming would be done to choose those who were better in co-curriculum and so on and perhaps some would have been eliminated due to strong competition. Here, I am just curious how or why they were rejected in the first place. Did they fill out the forms wrongly? How many were rejected because they were not all-rounders in school? After all, they were all offered places to study medicine now, so I assume they are very much qualified no matter how you look at it

Secondly, why the emphasis on medicine? I can understand that it is the most competitive faculty, as most high achievers would be aiming for a medical degree. I can also understand that it is a costly degree and that many would aim for a more affordable education in University Malaya compared to the private universities like IMU. However there are many other students who want to study law, economics, history and even , Heaven Forbid, Psychology or Journalism. They have listed these course as the top 3 choice yet given choice number 6 or 7, which is completely unrelated to their interest. We’re talking about many other students who did not get straight As but a commendable 3As, 1 B which is an effort in itself. These students are now sidelined because the government believes that only acceptance to the medical faculty is a problem worth looking into. The justification, of course is that the government is looking into reducing the doctor-patient ratio in Malaysia to 1:650 by 2020
This year it may be an issue of getting students into medical school, next year it could be we’re lacking architects and the year after, we could be lacking teachers. As long as influence and emphasis can be placed outside the selection process, till then we’ll hear dissatisfaction
It’s tough, really, to have it drilled into you that you need to study to excel only to turn 19 and realize good results and strong non-academic achievements cant guarantee a good, affordable education

Thirdly, some of the students who are accepted into medical schools will be studying in private universities after two years in government universities/colleges. The issue then, will be cost. The Education ministry has ensured that these students will be given convertible loans i.e financial aid up to RM100,000 that will be turned to scholarships should the students do well.
To be fair, I am unsure what are these private colleges nor am I sure how much the tuition fees will be. But its fair to assume that without government subsidization that public Unis have, the private universities are bound to be more costly. Albeit the fact that some students have secured places to study medicine its only reasonable to turn around and demand why they should bear the burden of private education in the 3rd year onwards.

Extract from The Star, 3rd June 2004:

Some students, however, were a little unsure about the financial implications of being placed at a private university, even with the proposed “convertible loan”.

Murrali said he would not be able to afford medical studies in a private university.

“I am thankful that all of us have been given places. This is good news. However, I am not sure what I will do if offered a place in a private university. What if I do not get straight As? Will I have to repay the loan?

Remember that simultaneously, other students –maybe less high achieving- are in public universities, having their tuition fees subsidized, without a potential RM100,000 loan and without the drive to work hard to change their loans to scholarships.
That’s meritocracy for you

But worry not, I am sure all 128 students mentioned here are utmost grateful

2004-05-31T13:44:00.000+08:00

On Scandals and Sex and Ethics

In the latest episode of The Practice, Jimmy Berlutti is representing a client who kidnapped a girl 13 years ago, and now wants to give anonymous financial compensations to the biological mother via Jimmy. The client has no intention of going to the police with her crime and wants to keep her ‘daughter’ and the life that she has always known. The DA, Helen Gamble objects , of course and demands to know the identity of the client as a crime has been committed. Jimmy refuses on the grounds of client-lawyer privileged information. Helen drags his ass to court to get to reveal the client’s name and whereabouts.

The judge who hears the case, tells Helen: Morally I agree with you. But just because it’s ethical, doesn’t mean it’s the law. ” She then looks at Jimmy and say “And just because it’s the law to uphold client-lawyer privileged relationship, doesn’t mean that its ethical”

And that, is the feeling one would get when reading the murder case of Canny Ong and Noritta Samsudin and headline that say Noritta sexually active, possibly kinky’ . It’s downright legal of course, for the newspapers to publish court proceedings as it is public domain. Then question is , to what extend would/should the newspaper play it up to sell papers?

You can tell me that the newspaper editors have a job responsibility to sell more papers and that if sex sells paper, then sex related news should be in the headline. You can also tell me that newspapers do not have a moral obligation to practice self censorship just so 10 year olds do not ask their parents what kinky or sexual asphyxia is. And I would have to agree. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth, yes, but I’d have to agree

But I disagree that some say , if the parents of Norrita feel like their daughter have been defamed, they should sue the newspapers for defaming their family. To my best knowledge, defamation and libel suits can only be won if it is proven that the publications were false. In some countries, it is not enough to prove it was false, in fact, the plaintiff has to show that there was malicious intent. (Ref: NYT vs Sullivan, 1964) For newspapers reporting witness’s testimony in court, there can hardly be grounds for the parents to yell false accusation.

I also somewhat disagree that if you have a choice whether to read and believe the reports. You can skim through the report, but understand that the implication of the report is going through half a million other readers to create that sensational effect.

And what I dislike about sensationalizing rape trials is this: More time/effort/ investigation is done with regards to the victim’s past rather that what when on at the time of rape. The problem is that people try to link the two and come up with the assumption that if a lady was a sex worker/stripper/GRO than she very likely deserved it. Or rather, with such an outrageous lifestyle, it comes with a price and a risk factor.
You have to understand that having an active sexual lifestyle does is no invitation for rape nor sexual misconduct. Always servicing man sexually does not mean that when she says no, it can be taken as an invitation for rough sex. Being a stripper does not mean that she can be taken home and roughed up.
Having a past, or an occupation in the sex industry does not mean it is ammunition to discredit the victim’s testimony in court. That is one of the main reasons why in some countries, the victim’s sexual history is not revealed for it does not relate to the present crime.

Yet this is exactly what the media is doing –and emphasizing- with regards to her past, her relationships, her occupation.

The media, of course, is reporting the trial. And in this trial, nothing is left un-dug. Its’ the accused’s defense team’s prerogative to show the victim’s behavior and relationships and to cast doubt on the accused as the murderer. After all his life is at stake

All legal. But repulsive

2004-05-28T16:41:00.000+08:00

Nothing written here is revolutionary.

Nothing here will make you fired up/astonished/enlightened. For it is all a commonly rehashed argument about the state of this country’s tertiary education system.

Every year, around this time, 18/19 year olds get the results of their Public University placement. They fill up the forms, stating 8 choices of course and University location, in order of preference and today, they will have gotten their results.
Every year, the government assures us that selection is based on merit. Yesterday’s Star paper had a piece on how emphasis was placed on pure merit, and that if Bumiputra student could not complete it would be their prerogative to study harder.

Harsh words, but I hope people understand that merit would only be valid if everyone took the same entrance examination and were subject to the same evaluation process. But here in good old M’sia, there are 2 entrance examination :the Upper Six’s STPM and University’s matriculation examination and it is assumed to be equal.
Is it really? I took neither STPM nor was I eligible for Matriculation. 4 years ago, when I was applying for university, the Public University Application forms clearly stated that matriculation programs-except in UTM- were for Bumiputra only. Bumiputra sahaja. It is one of those thing that makes you sigh or complain, yet accept as commonIt is commonly accepted that STPM is harder.
These days, the Bumiputra only clause has been changed to include 10% of non-bumiputra students. yes folks, 10%. I dont think I am wrong in believing its a half-hearted attempt at promoting equality of races

The studying environment is still school-like, the hours are long (7.30 am-1pm 5 days a week) not including extra tuition classes as opposed to a maximum of 21 credit hours in University . The emphasis is on one exam at the end of the year as opposed to the University’s semester system and grading that is based on assignments, projects, labs, attendance and exams. STPM papers are the same, nation –wide while Matriculation examinations are on the discretion of the individual university.

The more important question is, why the unwillingness to have a common gauge for education? Why not do away with Form 6 and have a merit system based on the Form Five SPM results? Why have an extra layer of in the name of Form 6 and matriculation , which blatantly gives one party over the other and yet trip over yourself proclaiming meritocracy? If all that doesn’t spell Hypocrite, I don’t know what does

Look at the way the results have made its way to the newspapers. Today’s newspaper headline scream:

Bumis continue to do well – NST

And
24,837 diterima ke IPTA-Jumlah Bumiputera paling ramai sejak meritokrasi dilaksana
( 24837 Bumi students accepted to public universities-the highest since the intro of the merit system)

*Reference taken from Jeff Ooi's blog*

Breakdown of courses like Medicine, Law, Accounting, Pharmacy are based on race. Breakdown of high achievers in Form 6 and Matriculation are also based on race. You’d think that with the much proclaimed merit system, they’d change the statistics to show:

How were student chosen for the course:
How many had to be rejected from the course and why
What was the first, second, third criteria of acceptance.

Example: from the total number of student that were accepted to study medicine, how many were from Matriculation, how many were from form 6. From there show how many 6 Formers had straight As, 4As and so on.But that is not so.

Faithful watchers of this yearly circus will tell you that now, all the high achievers (5A, 5As with excellent co-curricular results, 4As, student with excellent results and come from poor family background) will now head to MCA’s complain bureau to demand an explanation. And they (usually) will be told that the course they wanted has too many applicants, that they were not active enough in extra-curricular activities or they wrongly filled up their forms.

I find this whole episode shameful and repulsive. Half hearted policies don’t achieve anything. They only give you an illusion that something is done, when in actual fact you find yourself worse off, yet without ground for complains

And that’s the way the story goes.

2004-05-22T10:37:00.000+08:00

The MMU debating teams were kicking ass in Thailand as of thursday.

MMU 1 was on 5-0, MMU 2 and 3 on a 4-1 record. I believe it takes a minimum of 5 wins to break for the octos.

Friday night was the break annoucement but I have not heard anything nor has Chern Hsing. If they are too busy to report back, I hope its only because of the euphoria of having more than 1 team break and the inevitable morning after headache

There was some talk about going to Bangkok to watch the breaking rounds should 3 teams break. It is times like this that I want to bow down to Tony Fernandez and Air Asia for reducing airflights so much that we can actually think about travelling to Thailand

MMU Rocks! Air Asia Rocks!

PS: anyone with any news about the All Asians results?

UPDATES as at 12pm, Saturday
MMU I and 2 broke for the octos!!!!

MMU1 broke on 7-1 and MMU2 broke on 6-2. MMU3 was on 5-3 but could not break. Tough tough luck. The exact rankings and the match ups for the octos are also not known yet. Could it be possible that MMU was ranked first?

The top 16 teams now consist of:

2 MMU Teams- Msia
3 IIU Teams- Msia
3 ADMU teams-Philippines
3 UPD teams-Philippines
1 UST team-Philippines
1 DLSU-Philippines
1 UKM-Msia
1 UTM- Msia
1 Mahidol-Thailand

Thats 8 Pinoy teams, 7 Msian teams and one Thai team. Intersting to note that IIU has 3 teams breaking. Good for them! Any fellow Malaysian team that does well deserves a congratulatory note

The finals are on monday night. Till then the rest of the Alumni and the rest of MMU's fan club will be on the edge of their seats. Please give updates here if you hear of anything

2004-05-17T17:03:00.000+08:00

Waking up on a Monday is drudgery. Waking up to discover my laziness lead to procrastination which lead to a heap of un-ironed .work clothes is enough to make one believe the myth that Mondays only bring people down. Going to work in unflattering and slightly frayed clothes (as it’s the only thing that looks presentable) confirms that myth.

I went to work only to find I didn’t have my access card. While getting past the security guard is a brezee, getting into my office was not and it is embarrassing trying to explain why responsible, adult workers can be so forgetful. Without an access card, I am almost incapacitated. I have to borrow a card to get in and out of the office which means I don’t even have free reign to go to the toilet. Nor to get my mandatory 3 cups of coffee. Nor to do my daily –almost pointless- session of walking up and down the stairs in the name of exercise.
There is nothing more depressing than discovering you cant move with ease in your own goddamn office

Or so I thought. For then I discovered that I left my spanking, brand-new, much loved and much wanted copy of Angela’s Ashes on the bus. Damn it! My much coverted book. The pain! The agony of realizing by now, it must be covered in chewing gum and snoot and the usual bacteria that hover in bus seats.

See, none of this would happen on a Friday. Or a Sunday

2004-05-13T15:27:00.000+08:00

Geeks and internet savvy people are highly useful beings.

I have been trying to do the Star paper’s crossword puzzle competition this week. Most of the answers are easy but there is the occasional tough cookie.

While my solution would be to look at the Oxford dictionary or stare at the paper until an answer comes to mind, the geek has designed a whatchamaycallit program. With amazing ease, I tell you. I don’t know how it works exactly but by specifying the clues, keywords and the number of alphabets and linking it to dictionary.com, we have amazingly accurate results!

And the net savvy being, has done research to determine why one word/answer is more accurate than the other. Example: Is it W-O-R-N or T-O-R-N that’s is best to describe result of excessive friction? Research says the answer is WORN. With such great prizes at stake, one can’t be afford to assume

Very useful people

2004-05-12T09:39:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is May 13th.

37 years ago tomorrow, I wonder if people who were involved in the racial riots in Kuala Lumpur knew the magnitude of their actions in the years to come.

I do not know how I can classify my status in Malaysia. 3rd generation Malysian. Grandparents from India. Lived all my life in this country. Born, brought up, schooled here. Dont follow any traditional rituals/believes. Dont wear any traditional clothings. Cant speak Tamil nor Malayalam but can decently manage conversations in Mandarin and Cantonese.

In true blue social studies textbooks, have we been excluded (immigrants are viewed as second-class citizens or temporary guests in their adopted country, and are "segregated" from the natives), assimilated, (immigrants learn a new language and culture, completely giving up their old ones), or are we multicultured (immigrants are bilingual and bicultural).

But we're arent immigrants. Most of us are not even children of immigrants. Most of us have never been to our grandparents home in China/India/Sri Lanka/Taiwan. We dont speak the language. We dont fancy the food nor the lifestyle there. We'd like to think this is our only home. And it is

A month ago, I went for confession. After listening to my sins, the priest softly asked me "what are you". Note that should a Priest ask you that, and if you want to avoid a long lecture, the correct answer is "child of god"
I said "I'm Malaysian"
Priest looked taken back
I hastilly added, "Errr..an average Malaysian?"

The Priest's sigh and perplexed look was simply a classic

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Read here for an article about Multiculturalism by Yazmine , a Pakistani-American girl

2004-05-06T09:37:00.000+08:00

Well

At least I now know some of the postcards of this country are genuine. There really is blue seas, clear water, coconut trees by the shore and great diving spots.

No turtles, though. And litter-bug Malaysians who can't pick up after themselves

I wonder how it would be like to live in that remote seaside town. No traffic jams. Schools and houses that face the sea. Always having to sweep sand from your car and house. Being self sufficient. Hardly any busses. Banks, hospitals and supermarkets a good hour drive away. No phone coverage if you're using Digi. Hardly anyone with cable TV nor broadband. Operating business based on just trust. Trunks roads all through the state ;no sign of highways

Maybe, just maybe, waking up to glorious sunrise scenes and taking moonlight walks make up for a lot of the other shortcomings although I personally dont think so.

Now if you excuse me, I need to indulge in minor Post Holiday Depression (PhD) ; not unlike the familar Post Debate Depressions from a year ago

2004-04-29T12:16:00.000+08:00

I wrote a post/article titled “The idiot’s guide to evaluate the Malaysian National Service”
But then I realized that writing is no different from having ‘intelligent’ conversation in the coffee shop. I rave, I rant and ramble. The friends, family, cousin, strangers listen. Sometimes they nod, sometimes I proclaim approval for NS, which leads to more agitated talk/arguments. Then we all pay for our food, go home, read the papers and realize that “ohh, wait a minute, all that talk didn’t change squat”
And you cant change squat by writing in a blog. It may attract a long list of disenchanted Malaysians but disenchanted , ordinary Malaysians like you and me, are no movers and shakers
No politicians jumps out of bed and think “ ooohh, I should read Annie’s blog to see how I can improve the running of this country. After all its free advice and I know she represents the majority of Malaysians who in turn have the power to kick my ass out of office”
No Sir, it aint so, is it. We’re nothing but a group of opinated, tech savvy (?) liberals who think writing is a substitue for action.

I am gonna spend the next 4 days in Rantau Abang- with 10 other opinionated, tech savvy (?) liberals. In actual fact, I should say, “ I’m gonna lounge/laze in the beach with the sun in my face, hearing the ocean, drinking orange juice with glasses that that also has orchid/tiny umbrellas, wearing slippers, tshirts and boxer shorts and getting decently drunk at night”
But it sounds ironic considering I don’t fancy beach holidays. Even more ironic that last year I went to Koh Sa Mui Island, Thailand, this year to Rantau Abang and next year I’ve already promised to make a trip to Bali.

For me, holidays means going somewhere, doing something, seeing something and not lazing on the beach for I am neither a sunshine-starved Caucasian nor an over-worked yuppie.
But of course, it’s all about the company. And the road trip. And the possibility of turtle sighting (ha!). Oh, and the main objective of the trip: celebrating GSY’s 21st year in existence as a human being

2004-04-23T17:03:00.000+08:00

Don’t you sometimes wonder about the authenticity of autobiographies? About how accurate it is, how much has been dramatized, if the writer is writing an honest account of his/her life or is it bordering the life they wished they had?

I just finished reading Jung Chang’s Wild Swans, about three generations of Chinese women (her grandmother, mother and self) . It explains the personal experience , involvement, problems, power struggle endured by these 3 women from the fall of Pui Yi as the last emperor of China to the formation of Manchuria, from the Kuomintang to Chairman Mao’s Cultural Revolution.

History will verify most of what Jung Chang wrote. It is as good as any textbook in understanding and learning history with the added benefit that now we are able to understand how the affairs of a country, its leaders, rebels, supporters, visionaries actually affect the millions and millions of citizens and commoners. What was previously a detached study of 10million lives during the cultural revolution, reading the book brought it down to a microscopic level of following individual’s lives and their personal experiences during that period. It is as if the boring and dusty history becomes alive because now you can connect to these people and understand their loyalty, fear, suffering and triumphs.

(Of course the reason history should be detached, neutral even macroscopic is so that it remains as objective as possible and so that personal biases and opinion wont be passed on to the new generations. I suppose that is why autobiographies will never be an alternative method of teaching history)

Still I can help but wonder about Jung Chang’s writing. While I have no reason to question the worship of Chairman Mao, the Great Leap forward, the Red Guards, the Great famine, it is incredible how detailed the book it. Is it possible, to remember, for example, the conversations people had during denunciation meeting? Can one remember and describe the stench in the trains during the cross-country travel? Can one remember the meagre meals and rations the family survived on for years when times were difficult?
How much of this recollection, interview, research is written without bias and how much involves the author’s slight dramatization of the historical event? I am not sure how much work , documentation and effort is required in writing an autobiography but I am sure that nobody can remember everything for the past 50 years unless they have choose to document events every day of their lives in anticipation that it will be published later.

Simple things regarding life in China in the 50s amaze me. Is it possible for family to know about their members who died, are procsecuted, detained when there was never a communication channel? Everything seemed to rely on word of mouth yet Chang can ealiry explain in detail the condition of the parents and sibling even when they are held in different detaintion camps. Is it possible to remember now, the people who gave you that information and the obstacles and bribery they faced in communication?
I read about the methods of torture used for people who seemed counter-revolutionary, especially the educated and the learned and I wonder how she could possibly remember them to the most minute detail. Take for example phrases like “ he stood there with his face contoured in pain, agony and shame. He was a skinny with a sunken face and a body that seemed to frail for endure any more beating and chaining but that is what the procecutors will do after they list his crimes” Surely, 20 years after witnessing even the most horrendous punishments, what is in your head is not just the image you saw, but a version that takes into account people’s recollection, articles, word of mouth and even a slightly spiced up write up, no?

Good book, this one.

2004-04-19T12:53:00.000+08:00

Someone I know wants to have kids.

I would have stood there and applauded, even made one or two lame-ass remarks about men who are finally growing up if it was not for the fact that he said that he can have many girls but wants at least one boy so that can share same-gender experiences with the child.
It goes without saying at that point the word sexist was used very loosely to describe him.

So how different, you may ask is that scenario from a woman who claims that she can have as many sons but needs that one daughter? A daughter so that she can share same-gender experiences with her, be it shopping or frilly dresses or the struggle for equality or talking about men? (The series Gilmore Girls comes to mind) Would anyone flare up and call the woman a sexist?
I doubt it, somehow. Despite its definition, Sexist has become a tag to describe men who favour their own gender and are patronizing of the women. Women who do the same , are usually assumed to be liberal-minded and are usually applauded

With this rational in mind, knowing that adults who want a child of their own gender is more of a preference than sexism per se, you’d think I’d cease from being so hot and bothered about something that is not even my concern.The thing is, I am bothered because of the archaic mentality that sons are more desired than daughters especially in the Asian mentality. They are desired because in the past they were thought to be the potential provider of the household, the one that gives financial stability to the dependents. They are assumed to be more capable with a longer list of potential and opportunities compared to women and so, even if parents have 5-6 daughters, the household will not be complete unless there is a son.
This gives the daughters the impression that it takes 5 daughters to be the equal of one son.It is depressing that prior to a son’s birth, there are already life long plans on how to enact the parent-child relationship yet no similar plans are made in the event that the kid turns out to be a girl. One birth after another and there are no signs of sons. What happens then? Are the daughters going to live in constant realization that they were of the less-desired gender? That there was no similar enthusiasm for their arrival?

The question , again, is would I be as annoyed if a woman claimed she would only be happy if she had at least one daughter?And no, I would not. Like it or not, my grandmother’s generation , my mother’s generation and even my generation have lived in the ‘We as parents would prefer sons syndrome”. Of course it varies in degrees. While my grandmother has seen female cousins given away for adoption, my mother lived in a ‘its takes 5 daughters to be equal to 1 son’ environment and in my generation, blatant sexism is not as obvious although it reappears in the form of favoritism.

And I think, if now, woman are turning the tables and starting to prefer daughters, good for them. Good for daughters who can now feel like they are wanted and not just to be endured till the arrival of a son. Good for families who have started showing favoritism for the other gender instead.
Distasteful as it seems, sometimes it takes favoritism for females to undo generations of preference for males. You can tell me two wrongs don’t make a right, but you need have felt some sort of discrimination in your life to understand why I frown upon people who prefer males heirs and not when they prefer female heirs

2004-04-10T13:19:00.000+08:00

There was an entire one and a half page article written in Friday’s NSTP’s YouthQuake about the National Service programmes . The jist of the article was that the student and parents were both ecstatic about the programme, the outdoor activities like flying fox were very much loved the participants were starting to value their privileged status at home and many of the glitches were forgivable on the count of teething problems

Read Malaysiakini.com, on the other hand, and you will see calls for suspension of the program, disgruntled parents who are wary about the camps and some downright worrying issues of fighting and extortion in the camps

Who do you believe? One can claim that it is all due to different opinions and different perspectives and that there is always 2 sides to a coin. Still, I am more inclined to believe the stories I read in malaysiakini and believe the stories I hear from my cousin in a NS camp. Maybe I am just addicted to worrisome, depressing news. Maybe I don’t want to believe that a government project can be successful when it involves moulding minds to take orders without question ala military. (the classic command of When I say jump, you say How high). Maybe I have mentally categorized all mainstream papers as un-independent, government mouth pieces.

Or maybe , I am just a rebel –wannabe without a cause but with too much time on her hands and too few problems of her own

The issue of not having an independent media nor newspaper is worrying because the existing mainstream papers have staggering influence over the people. As much as we say that there are online newspapers like malaysiakini.com, and websites by the opposition party like Harakah Daily, their audience is limited to people who are internet savvy and perhaps limited to a certain age group. The truth is, nothing screams readership as much as having 800000-1,000,000 papers delivered to your front porch every single day without a glitch.

Such power of persuasion. And to use a cliché line from Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. Is the media exercising that responsibility?

See, once in a while the media adopts a problem and they force things in the open. They force the big guns to think and act, which is a good thing. For example, in 2002/2003 there was a suggestions that rapist be given the death sentences. The public, the NGOs and the Women’s Ministry’s were reluctant to endorse the suggestion as they felt it would put the victim in a tough spot especially when the perpetrator was a family member. This was given vast media coverage and the suggestion was dropped.
Last year, the brutal rape and sodomy of an 8 year old girl got more media coverage and forced the authorities to re-evaluate the definition of rape. I believe now, forcefully inserting objects into a person’s sexual orifice also counts as rape
Few days ago, was the issue of 14 seniors beating a young boy to death in a local hostel and now everybody is clamouring to find the cause of such brutal behaviour among youths. The knee jerk reactions of setting up hotline for complaints, blaming television, wanting more parental love are among the proposed solutions

Now think what if all the cases were shelved in page 6 of the paper, or somewhere near the obituary column instead of the headline. Would there have been such rapid changes, would there be such outrage, would anyone even talk about it after 2 days?

The same goes for the letters by the public that are published in the papers. Complains about phone line, internet service, transportation , medical services that are published almost always get a written reply in the papers by the people/authorities/bodies concerned because their image is at stake and the letters would be read by 1 million people.

Similarly, you can complain about your passport applications process, inept government services and dilapidating public utilities to an online newspaper publication and I doubt the reaction would be as powerful. Such is the power of the mainstream media

Now it seems the media has chosen to show only the good side of the National Service. Maybe they have used up their quota of ‘adoptable problems’ for this year. But from now on, Malaysians reading the paper in their homes, offices, school will be more inclined to believe the side that the paper has shown, and they may be appeased. Even content. A few may be sceptical, but how can you beat the reporting and interviews and the pictures of smiley, jolly students. Everyone is happy, everyone is grateful. And anyone who says otherwise, is just reading to much seditious news.
End of story

2004-04-08T10:04:00.000+08:00

Sex and candy, coffee and TV, sex and coffee

I think the planets and the moons and the universal karma have positioned themselves in such as way it is impossible not to predict a string of bad luck , melodrama and tragedy.

I started the day by spilling drops of coffee on my light blue top; something that would not have happnened if I was wearing black. Or brown. Coffee is a good way to gauge how the rest of the day will be. If I dont start the day with 2 mugs of coffee, I will be more irritable , restless and edgy than usual. If wake up to the sight and smell of someone-best if its a man- making me coffee in bed, I think the day has promises of not throwing shiet at you. And if I spill something as sacred as coffee, especially on a piece of clothing where I can neither lick off the drink nor get rid of the stain, then I may have created a double whammy of bad luck

Also , it's been said, that it is better to vent than to lace their coffee with arsenic

2004-04-06T16:55:00.000+08:00

No matter how bad the social/economic/political situation gets in this country, the working class, non-student population can always have comfort in believing that we can change all that. We believe that with the ability to vote that automatically translate to making a difference in government and their actions. We believe that just because we contribute to the media, our voices will be heard, we believe that since we read mainstream and non-mainstream publications, we have a balanced view of issues and that we are more aware of our rights. It may be idealistic but it is still something to cling on to

But what about the youth in this country who are not old enough to vote and the entire university student population –even if they are above 21 years-who are denied from participating in anything remotely political because it in the University Act. How or why is it that when 480,000 17 year olds were in the running for being chosen to go for the 3 month National Service programme, the government’s regulation affects them without the students having the ability to react, rebut nor retaliate.

We assume that parents are their guardians and custodians and so for 17year olds, their parents can make decisions for them. We take it for granted that parents will only have their children’s best interest at heart but what happens when the wants of the child and the parent is conflicting? What happens when the parents are hoping their kids come home, fitter, leaner, more docile and more subdued but the kids would rather study/laze/party/earn money during that same duration? Can all issues be vetoed by the parents by the simple reasoning that they are the parents? At what point do we allow the youth to grow up and actually make decisions concerning themselves?

I was reading this article from malaysiakini.com regarding the National Services camps and problems like brawls, riots and sexual haressment that have been reported:

Deputy Prime Minister Najib Razak, who is also defence minister, was quoted as saying that the trouble should not be blown out of proportion.

"One or two incidents have happened and we are looking at them. However, it does not warrant the suspension of the whole program," he said.

Najib said some army units had been deployed to tighten discipline at some camps and the government would look into the possibility of including elements of discipline in the second phase of training

And I think it is tragic that we live in a society where discipline is the universal cure-all and it is more important that privacy, expression, opinion and individual interest. We are a society that values compliance more than curiosity, questioning and independent mind. But most of all I think it is depressing that parents and the government believe that stricter rules, more monitoring and more authority is the way to quell any unorthodox behaviour. C'mon. Army units? What are we trying to achieve? A generation of people who become comfortable living in constant surveillance ?

It must be frustrating being 17 years old. You yourself have no legal rights and the people who have the ability to make legal decisions for you think that boot camp is the best decision the government ever made for the youth

2004-04-05T12:10:00.000+08:00

Maybe it’s the influence from Passion of Christ, but this year my church choose to Dramatize the reading of the 14 stations of the cross during Palm Sunday yesterday.

Usually the gospel reading depicting the last few days of Jesus’s death starting from the last supper to the gathering at the garden the capture of Christ and the whole mock trial to the crucifixion is just, well read out. Some years in a jolt of creativity, it becomes like a dialogue where there is a narrator and few other people taking on role of Jesus, Judas, Mary and so on. All around the church walls there are pictures of the way of the cross with ample depiction of blood and gore and suffering and we usually fix our eyes on the pictures as a way of reflection and that’s all .

But yesterday, the church youths staged a whole play to complement the reading and they came dressed complete as the suffering Christ in bloody rags and whip marks carrying a cross, the 2 other sinners who were also condemned to death, the peasant women and there was even a bare-footed snarling General, dressed in robes and finery, laughing evilly as he cracked his whip on the prisoners.
Now, I am a person who gets squeamish at the sight of blood and gore and pain. I close my eyes during movie battle scenes, I will not look at a person’s wound no matter how small, I avoid hospitals like the plague, I go for blood drives but block my eyes from seeing blood in those ‘lil bags. So it’s no surprise that I wished myself anywhere but in church yesterday.
Even if it is staged and we all know the blood on ‘Christ’s rags was very likely paint or chill sauce and that the whip marks were all drawn with markers or mascara, I still get squeamish. To top it all, the actors took it upon themselves to accentuate the pain and suffering Christ must have felt because they wailed at all the right moments, screamed as if they actually felt the pain, endured the jeers and insults and showed such anguish that is impossible not to flinch.
In fact there was the whole nailing on the cross session as well and every time the executioners drove a nail in the prisoners wrist and knees and legs, the prisoner would let out this piercing, heart –wrenching screams which in must have contributed to a good 5 minutes of the entire production. . 3 prisoners, 5 nails each, that’s 15 heart wrenching screams and another 2-3 minutes of pure uncomfortable silence as they hoisted the cross and embedded in on the ground so we could actually see Christ and the prisoners hanging on the cross like how all painting have captured that infamous scene

It’s all staged, I know. And I realize that the parish priest wanted to provide us with shock therapy so that we could actually see –even if it’s a minuscule level-how it must have been like for Christ 2000 years ago to die for his people because after all this years of just listening to the reading didn’t leave an impact on anyone.
And I can understand that. Point proven. Next year, though, I’d still vote for simple readings, without the drama

2004-04-02T12:33:00.000+08:00

Pain is
A toothache, first thing in the morning and now stuck in the office without any medication. ( the logical thing to do, would be to go to a dentist but it is 5 years of wearing braces that gave me this cursed weak, cavity prone gums in the name of vanity and now I will have to grin and bear. And continue cursing the breed of dentist everywhere)

A warm fuzzy feeling is
Having a boyfriend who calls first thing in the morning to answer my question of where and when and how Harry Potter got the Marauder’s map because he remembers that it has not been answered for the past 2 days

A cruel twist of faith
Realizing the bathroom scale says I have lost 10 pounds since January but the clothes do not show and difference and the muscles are still buried somewhere in the flab.
Stupidity is
Gorging myself on Mars bars to ‘celebrate’ lost of weight

Incredulity is
Realizing that in Scrabble there are 16-yes 16- words starting with the word Q that does not need a U to follow suit. Example QAT is a word-a herb in the Americas . And here I was racking my brain thinking of the usual Quite, Equal, Request, Quit, Quick, etc. I need more scrabble playing friends. There is only so much I can learn by playing against myself. Everytime I get a J , I think ...Job, Jam, Jet, Jab, JInx when I am sure there's a host of more interesting and higher scoring words.

2004-04-01T17:10:00.000+08:00

Be patient. You too can achieve greatness

- taken from sze ying's blog, although it's not exactly verbatim-

2004-03-28T18:53:00.000+08:00

You know whats interesting? This blog has morphed from a travel blog to a whine/rant/depressive-entries blog to a political-wannabe blog based on whatever phase I am in at that moment

Suresh, with all his bastard-like qualities said something nice. He said that changes happens through writting and the masses reading it and although that change will not be in one day, he think our work will aid that process. Although I am sure he refers to our in the broad sense, taking into account every person who ever contributed to suaramalaysia.com, I must say that's about the best kinda recognition I could ask for. As someone who is -as cliche as it sounds- making a difference in whatever minute way possible

2004-03-27T08:11:00.000+08:00

You’d think, with the elections over, I’d rivet back to the usual writings about my mundane existence.

But too many things still bother me. I keep wondering why, this election caused more outrage compared to the 10 elections in the past years when some of the practices like writing the voter’s identification number on the ballots have been going on for sometime. When issues like phantom voters and redistribution of voter’s voting constituency happens almost every election. When the oppositions party almost always do not get enough coverage nor publicity.
What is it about this election that pushed everything to the front page, forced the EC’s president to agree to a resignation if the EC was proved incompetent, forced pages and pages of documents to be read online, forced people to dedicate half their lives to exposing the hanky panky behind the scenes.
Why only this year? Never during the other series of elections?

Could it be that people have actually become more educated? More informed, more aware of their rights and now, actually willing to stand up for something they believe in? To a certain extend, I’d agree with Suresh Gnasegarah. Maybe the internet has become a valuable tool in educating and informing people at a time when everything in mainstream papers reads like a BN newsletter. Maybe people have become empowered by the internet, because they not only can tell their side of the story but realize that there are many other rooting for the same vision for this country and with that kind of support mechanism, you’d just pick the baton and bloody run for all you’re worth because this time, there are people who are actually counting on you
Or maybe Ditesh was right by saying that people never spoke up before this for fear of inducing the wrath of the ex Prime Minister. I suppose that is possible as well seeing the ex PM’s support for the ISA and the number of people who are held without trial under the ISA and the way the it seem to deviate from a national security tool to a mechanism to silence the opposition party and people who questioned the government

(But agreeing to the second idea would mean that we agree that the Executive and the Judiciary of this country is one and the same when in a ideal working democracy one should not have control over the other. Yes, I believe in an ideal democracy, the Malaysian race and toll-free highways. Bite me )

Now , what I don’t get is this: how is it that with all this accessible information, increased in education and awareness, things still don’t change? How is it possible when people in various districts in Selangor were prevented from voting due to many glitches, we all complain and whine and rant, but life goes on in the Parliament? How is it that despite people’s anger at not having a completely anonymous vote, it is now in the SPR’s guidebook that recording of personal info is allowed?
You’d think, with the increasing amount of dissatisfaction, it will all be translated to action. To changes. Still, nothing,
Sometimes I feel like this country is divided into the rulling class and the commoners, much like the elitist and slaves in Athens. The commoners may outnumber the ruling class but while they can have a long list of complaints, they can camp outside the Ruler’s resistance trying to be heard, they can beat themselves up, resort to violence , but still at the end of the day, the system and the draconian laws-which is almost cast in stone-makes it impossible for things to be changed.

If it is any consolation, it is not just Malaysia where decisions in the parliament are not mirrored by what people on the street want. Think of the Vietnam war, the recent Iraq war and the decision of countries like Spain and Australia to be part of the Iraq war. All these wars were resisted by an overwhelming majority of the citizens yet the leaders did the complete opposite. TO me , that is an example of how, even if the loud minority voices become the loud majority voices, the change you seek may still not be attainable. The decisions you wish to see being taken may still be ignored and the framework you want to implement may still be scorned

Right now, I am curious to know which countries have had the election results reclared void and had a re-election. I don’t know if that can/will/should happen here, but if the EC is found allowing many shoddy practices, then it surely undermines the legitimacy and credibility of the people who have already taken up their oaths in Parliament. And surely the gallant, yet suicidal thing for BN to do, is to have a re-election.
No?

2004-03-23T14:12:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to write about the elections for some time now because I don’t think anything has left me feeling so helpless, powerless and disillusioned. What started as a way of being involved in the election and ‘ensuing a fair process’ is just an example of how idealistic people can be. How idealistic I can be. Who are we kidding? No matter how much I write, no matter how well/ much Malaysians write online, in papers, during rallies and conferences, no matter how many people look at the things we write and talk about in coffee shops, it seems like all our ideas for a real Malaysia, a place of freedom and equality and fair process is doomed to be nothing but coffee shop material.

My friends and I were at the polling center shouting ourselves hoarse trying to prevent the SPR officials from jotting voter’s voting ID number since it can be traced back to how/who they voted and defeats the purpose of having anonymous ballots anyway, but nothing can be done. After wondering at the incredulity of the situation it is obvious that people who are arguing at the operation level cant change squat. No matter how many voters complained about it, even if voters halted the process, the show will go on, because the self elected Gods have spoken.

And it is scary because us commoners have abso-fucking-lutely no control over anything. Not the media, not consumer rights, not the governance of our country and now, not even the right to a fair election. And with such an unfair advantage the ruling party has in terms of money influence and control, we are pretty much helpless and at their mercy.

I do not doubt that Barisan National will win the election but the sheer dominance , arrogance and bullying tactics they spew leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It is difficult to be over-joyed when I feel like they arm-twisted everything to get this landslide victory. Phantom voters, intimidating voters, extending polling time, writing ballot results with a damn pencil, blackouts in certain areas during the counting of votes. It is hard to feel like it was a fair election

People say, if BN can deliver everything they said they would, then its no use griping about what may have been because at the end, it’s the satisfaction of the people/voters that count. It is the promises that were kept, the overhaul of issues, the increase in our quality of life. Yet that is not the point. What I want is a feeling of involvement. A feeling of fair play and credibility during the elections. A government that I can be proud of. But again, it may be the idealitic thinking that refuses to go away

2004-03-19T10:06:00.000+08:00

I have an uncanny ability to pull truly ridiculous, distasteful and below-the- belt stunts which hurts myself more than anyone else.
Today is one of those temporary relapses into a feeling of anger, irritation ,self pity and self –degradation . But thankfully even I have reached the point of realizing all is temporary and that it is best to let sleeping dogs lie

In the meanwhile, this country is going to have an election, I’ve seen how it is possible for election candidates like Mr. Sivarasa of Keadilan party to rally support without ever mentioning the word ‘race’ or ‘religion’ while on the other hand PAS leader are convincing people why there should be an Islamic state for the country formerly known as Malaysia
There are more books unread in my room than I ever dared to dream, the friends are returning, the tuition kids are getting more outspoken and showing signs of being able to think independently.

So wallowing in self –pity is not as ‘fashionable’ as it used to be

2004-03-15T18:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder at the irony at how organizations like Womens Aid Organization, Sisters In Islam (SIS), Tenaganita, International Movement for a Just World (JUST), Suara Rakyat Malaysia (SUARAM) seems to lobby for the changes I wish to see in this country more than any other elected representative in this country

It is so easy to hope that some of these organizations would just band together and form something like the Coalition of Rational Changes and Intelligent Representatives. After all, abolishment of ISA, reducing government’s control over media, increasing access to all races for education and housing and adopting sexual harassment laws as State’s concern are some of the thing I feverishly hope some politicians would think about, but they rarely do. Add that and the ability to win based on the I-have-more-dirt-on-you-so-I win mud-slinging tactic that politicians use, it is too easy to feel annoyed and disgruntled at this country’s political state

After all, giving NGOs a seat in the parliament or actively engaging them-as oppose to hunting them down- is not such as alien concept even if NGOs don’t want to form political parties per se.

Yet, theoretically, NGO should not be given political power-which is different from political clout-because they exist for the clichéd check and balance within a government. They are suppose to be there to push minority rights and non-populist ideas, to ensure the government is not over-powered, to do the ground work where no hot shot politician wants to go to. And in Utopia, all is supposed to be in perfect sing-song harmony; none has more power over the other.

Practically, if an NGO or a band of people who are activist-oriented form a party, it is dubious they can get enough support to push for their ideas. Activist tend to come out looking too hard-core, too militant like and too radical which is a far cry from seasoned politicians know how to play the game by simply promising people what they want to hear. Some of the concepts preached –like equality in education and women’s rights- will not have a huge fan base in this country and will just be dismissed as the noisy minority kicking up a fuss. No, populist ideas and populist politicians will still rule and we all know how Malaysians, despite thinking they are stuck between a rock and a hard place, will still not rock the boat and put their faith in a bunch of people who may spend their lives weaseling away from ISA

Still, I cant help but wish that politicians can think about some of the issues lobbied by the NGO and activist and are used in someone’s election campaign because I for one, have stopped believing that only the liberal, the minority and the immoral want all the changes mentioned at the start of this entry

2004-03-09T23:39:00.000+08:00

A 8 year old student asked me if 2 men can get married.

I myself am amazed at how long I thought about it before giving him an answer. I wanted to say that yeah of course they can get married. People fall in love all the time and there is nothing wrong with it

Or I might have said, Yeah they can. But only in lands far far away

Or I might have said, Yeah they can but some religions and some people dont give them the chance

I even could have said, No they cant now even if they wanted but they may be able to do so in the future

But instead, I said simply " No, they cant"

That answer still bugs me. It was not a completely honest answer in my books and I feel like a fraud. But I console myself by thinking maybe 8 year olds are not ready for social shock theraphy and especially not from dodgy liberal -wannabe teachers. Plus even in the name of education and awareness, it would be wrong to unload my ideas on a kid when his parents, who have more rights over him, could b teaching him something completely different

I still remember when the people behind Tellytubbies wanted to feature a gay tellytubby and how that sparked an outrage from parents even those who believed in gay rights but still didnt think 6-8 year olds should be exposed to homosexuality even if it was in the name of equality and equal exposure.

Oh well. It's all in the upbringing I guess

On another note I know how the secret to embarking in a room-cleaning frenzy. It is not the constant parental nagging, it is not a the feeling of self disgust nor is it the annoyance of not being able to locate anything

Nope. None of the above
Its waking up and looking eye to eye with a great big fat roach that is on your pillow.

Blasted vermit. Now despite the cleaning and the tidying and the cans of Ridsect sprayed, I have an image of myself waking up and finding a family of roaches in my mouth and me pulling them out one by one by their tentacles
Curses be upon this imagination of mine :(

2004-03-08T21:49:00.000+08:00

Today’s front page of NST had a column with the headline “ Keeping a wary eye on varsity students”
It seems that the ruling party blamed their loss in Kelantan and Terengganu during the last election on varsity students who returned home and influenced their family and friends to vote for PAS. This lil info was given by the DPM who was after attending a Jom Balik Mengundi (lets go home and vote) campaign in Bangsar
The column also mentioned that Uni admins have warned students that getting involved in campaigns could spell expulsions for them

Firstly why cant University students be involved in campaigns. Most final year under-grads are eligible to vote and if they are, why should they be restricted from going for talks and rallies when the rest of the voting population can? How is it that by virtue of being a student it makes them less important?
I think young adult’s participation in any political situation or event is important, even crucial –not just because of the cliché They Are Tomorrow’s Leaders – but because those below the age of 25 have different woes which are not being taken into account or not being counted as important. As Dude Uno said, the young voter’s primary concern today would be getting a tertiary education based on actual merit but still does not cost an arm and a leg. Is any party looking into that and what would their solution be?
And with the swelling population of young working adults in the city, how do the reps plan to solve increasing incidents of crime, housing and transport woes? But this message cant be deliver if the very people we deem fit to vote, are barred from being actual participants of an election process

Secondly, the DPM’s rebuke of students who influence their friends and family makes it seem as if it is wrong to have an opinion and even more sinful to preach it. This is how leaders patronize and discredit certain voting groups as if by being young and all that jazz, their opinion and believes mean less and since it is less, they should not influence others as it would mean a whole village then voting for the ‘wrong’ party. The headline keeping a WARY eye itself seems to suggest that for people to believe in PAS or DAP or Keadilan is nothing short of stupidity that comes along with being in the early 20s and thus the young should just keep their opinions to themselves.

Lastly, if you re-read the first paragraph in this post, I hope you can find the irony. Because the DPM’s speech after attending a campaign was targeted at (duh) varsity students while at the same time the Uni admins were cautioning students to stay away from campaigns.
It seems to suggest that the term ‘campaigns’ is purely restricted to events held by the opposition party because if it wasn’t then the thousands of students who attended any kind of talk by any minister regarding elections should rightfully face expulsion but that’s not the case
And if the suggestion that returning students have the ability to influence their villages to such a large degree is to be believed then it is obvious that any opposition party is cut off from rallying/pleading/meeting this huge block of potential votes because the most students in their right mind would be worried about expulsion
But more importantly, it is a sinister way of restricting the kind of political party you want to be affiliated with which –again-is nothing short of arm twisting , blackmailing and intimidation by the ruling party to ensure they are still the ruling party.

Another example would be my parents who vote for the ruling party every election because they believe that as civil servants they are required to do so.
Bollocks

Being in the civil service does not make you an employee of any party. It just means you are in the civil service, serving largely, the public
Just like how, patriotism means love for the country, not love for the ruling party. 40 years of rule by the same party has had us believing in strange concepts

2004-03-08T10:13:00.000+08:00

I took leave today to settle some things only to find myself waking up at 5am puking my guts out which means I would have had to call in sick anyway. Sometimes my foresight abilities can be eeriely spot-on

I am nauseaous, sickly and whiny and reading the national news on NST during this election period only makes me even more irritated and annoyed and sick. Thank God for alternative news sources like malaysiakini.com

RIght now, I am going to read every column in NST and return to write which piece of news annoyed me the most

2004-03-06T22:13:00.000+08:00

While I was berating the Malaysian justice system, the election system, education system and so on the listener interrupted me by saying Yeah but we are better off than most, for we dont have wars, instability or riots and most of us have meals to eat and money that can fund our lifestyles

Mentality like that irks me. Because I think the needs of this country, post –independence , post Emergency period and even post-Mahathir is beyond the usual standards we set for our selves:
No war- check
No Riots (?)-check
No mass starvation- check
Bonus point if you own a car, a house and have a job-check, check, check

See, the quality of one’s life can no longer be judged by those criteria alone. It would be fitting for a country that is coming out of war, like Afgan or Iraq or even one that has civil wars like the Ivory Coast but not for a developing nation like Malaysia. For us, I think the feeling of content and satisfaction also lies in the fact that we are able to write, speak or concregate without fear of persecution.
Think about the number of journalist in this country who are thrown in prisons for ‘publishing lies’, the number of activist who were man-handled by police last week for their protest against police brutality (the irony!) and the general public who need police permits to have a gathering for more than 4 people in this country.

You think about the homosexuals in this country whom can be charged for homosexual acts because now it seems that the government can regulate sexual behavior in a civil court. Homosexuality is not a crime but homosexual acts are, which is as good as saying, keep your lungs, but just don’t use it to breathe

You think about the young in this country, who have to pay an arm and a leg to get an education because non-bumiputras have such minute quotas for entry into University compared against the number who do exceptionally well. And you think about the Bumiputra students whose achievements will be scorned by their peers as ‘tokenism’ even if they did well.
And what about the constant pointing of fingers to teenagers as the source of all ills from road accidents to rape incidents to the recent shipping of 17 year olds to boot camp and ask them if they are satisfied with the way they are being treated in this nation

You think about the politicians who refer to Malaysian as ‘the 3 major races’ when in actual fact this nation comprises of more than 15 races and we are not counting those from mixed families who have been marginalized because it seems only the 3 major races count although I dont think any self respecting politician should be elected for the sole reason of promoting race-based changes

You think about the women who are relegated to secretary positions in clubs and organizations from Universities to professional bodies as opposed to being Presidents because of the patriarchal ideas this society has. Single women whom apparently cannot register their babies birth because they have to show the marriage certs. Working women who find it difficult to report sexual harassment cases because 3-4 years ago this country’s leaders chose to make sexual harassment rulings as the prerogative of companies alone

You think about transsexuals who are prohibited from being on air in the state-run TV stations and how documentaries depicting transsexuals are banned. You think about the film censorship board and it’s restriction of what you watch in the privacy of your home.

Go ahead, think.

See in the US, politicians rarely care about the homeless, the convicts and sometimes, even the juveniles. The reason being they don’t pay taxes or they are ineligible to vote. But for each of the category above, all of them (except the youngsters) pay taxes and vote, irrespective of race, religion and gender.
All of them want different things, are unhappy about different things and they believe that their quality of life is affected because of the laws and practices of this country. Honestly if you lived in fear of being thrown in jail, then it’s a acceptable to believe that you have a reason to want more from this country and its leaders

And for all the categories or people above, I refuse to believe that ‘a stable nation’ is all they seek. No, we want and we deserve better. And there is no shame and no ungratefulness in admitting that the usual standards of this county in evaluating our worth is obsolete and needs an overhaul

2004-03-05T10:09:00.000+08:00

I don’t normally listen to what Dude Uno says because he rarely says anything worth listening. Besides unfunny people who have been deluded into thinking they are entertaining can be a royal pain to listen to sometimes.

But today, in his blog he directed all the blog readers to a song called When I am sixty-four by the Beatles. I am not a Beatle’s fan but the lyrics were so spot-on, so simple , so imaginable and so true you cant help but nod your head agree vehemently to everything sung.

If I could get a guarantee that I will grow up to be like Barbra Striesand’s character in the Mirror has Two Faces and have someone who will croak a song like that for me, a lot would be bearable today.

And that was my momentary lapse into the world of Romanticism. Right now the work is pilling, the bills are unpaid ,the money is depleting , the body cant take this Tundra-like air-con and the men are lacking

When I'm Sixty-four by The Beatles

When I get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a Valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine.
If I’d been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I’m sixty-four.
You’ll be older too,
And if you say the word,
I could stay with you.
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday morning go for a ride.
Doing the garden, digging the weeds,
Who could ask for more.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I’m sixty-four.
Every summer we can rent a cottage,
In the Isle of Wright, if it’s not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera Chuck & Dave
Send me a postcard, drop me a line,
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four.

2004-02-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

Happiness is

Walking into KL Central on a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon and finding a second-hand book stall offering decent-looking books for surprisingly affordable prices.

To be fair many people believe that second hand book stores are a waste of time because people only discard books that are not worth their time or books from a phase in their life that they would now not be caught dead with. Like trashy romances or suicide-themed Goth books. Unless its Prozac Nation, of course.
Still I have found books by Chitra Divakaruni, P.G Wodenhouse, Frank McCourt and armful of feminist social studies books in those dodgy 2nd hand stalls so I hold a different opinion altogether. That and the fact that I am one of those oddballs who think that books that have been passed through many hands, are dog-eared and musty, with notes written in the blank spaces give ‘more soul and flavor’ to the book

But back to today’s findings; I was going to tag the stall as one that sells self help books and chick lit –I consume a healthy amount of chick lit and am not ashamed to admit it- when I stumbled upon Jung Chang’s Wild Swans!!. Given that I was half way reading the book in Cambodia last year when me being me left it on a train and not knowing the ending of a good book is like an itch you just cant scratch, you can imagine the state of ecstasy I was in especially when I saw it’s affordable price.

I also got the book Western Civilization with write-ups about everyone from JS Mill to Karl Marx to Darwin and 3 three other books that most people will discard as ‘light , forgettable reading” but I will have to read and judge it for myself.

This has been a good day. More so it reminded me of Thailand where the best of times were spent browsing around in dodgy, round-the-corner book shops, wearing flip-slops and jeans, going through stacks of books by wannabes, has-been and never-been writers and just as you are about to give up ever finding something you like, you stumble upon a gem of a book that you cant believe people would discard it
And of course, finishing it all by sinking into a wooden chair and sipping tea while thinking which book you should start reading first.
Yup. Almost like old times

2004-02-27T12:52:00.000+08:00

"Sorry honey, no oral sex from now on. I am trying to avoid cancer"

How's that for a turn off, eh?

It seems some scientist who are determined on throwing cold water on sexual acts have some up with studies that indicate that oral sex can lead to cancer. Makes you wonder what kind of pleasureable acts are not hazardous to the body.
Here's a sample from Yahoo Health, Feb 25th:

Oral sex can lead to oral tumors," New Scientist magazine said Wednesday, referring to the latest research.

The scientists studied more than 1,600 patients from Europe, Canada, Australia, Cuba and the Sudan with oral cancer and more than 1,700 healthy people.

They found that patients with oral cancer containing a strain of the human papilloma virus (HPV) known as HPV16 were three times more likely to report having had oral sex than those without the virus strain.

"The researchers think both cunnilingus and fellatio can infect people's mouths," the magazine added.

2004-02-25T18:30:00.000+08:00

You have to love the Malaysian approach in handling things that are supposedly problem-starters, things that are harmful, addictive, indulgent, degrading , etc.
Simple. Just ban ‘em

Right now, the government is going on an overdrive with its anti-smoking campaign. While that is perfectly acceptable, what is interesting are letters in the papers claiming that the best way to curb smoking is to have a ban on ciggies.

This genre of letter always creeps me out because it is actually possible that someone I know, be it a relative, a neighbor, a friend, teacher, student, boss, customer has such a Machiavellian, authoritative and narrow-minded way of thinking that the immediate solution to an problem is to clamor for a ban.

Don’t like cigarettes, ban them. Don’t like Mariah Carey’s concert, ban her. Don’t believe homosexual should be free to have gay sexual relationship, then outlaw gay sex. Think Bruce Almighty showed a unflaterring idea of God, ban the movie. Think illegal racing is getting out of hand, consider banning certain type of bikes. Think the Economist wrote an unflattering piece on Malaysia, then ban the magazine.
How convenient

Sometimes I think people and politicians alike should be given a lesson on the harm principle. The idea that you as an informed and rational person can do what you want to yourself as long as you do not inflict physical harm on other people. Although today, the extend of harm is debatable and some people do believe that mental and emotional harm is good enough a reason to pass legislation that can restrict the freedom of certain groups of people.

But back to smoking, it has been made known lately that secondary smoking dangerous to the people who are in proximity of smokers and that is why bans on smoking-not cigarettes -are enforced in public places. Singapore has this rule, I believe and so does New York . Rudy Guiliani was a believer in banning smoking in public areas like café, restaurants, schools and although the places to smoke were reduced, people accepted the decision because smoking, as it showed, harmed more than just themselves

But never was a ban on ciggies an option for it shows a complete disregard for people's choice and lifestyle and makes it seem that one idea is more morally supreme than the rest.

Today restaurant have separate areas for smoking and non smoking patrons. Some companies provide designated places for employees to smoke. Why cant people just live with options like that that find the balance?

If you yourself oppose something then exercise your right but not consuming, watching, eating it. but don’t stop others who don’t agree with you. Don’t like pop concerts here, then don’t go for it. Ask your parents, your children not to go for it but don’t stop other want some entertainment. You think skin whitening ads are discriminating against dark-skinned people, then YOU don’t buy the product, but don’t support a ban against it. if you think Madonna, Britney and Janet Jackson hit an all time low by their nation-wide publicity stunts then you don’t buy their albums. You change the radio station when it plays their song. You tear down their posters on your own wall. But don’t stop them if they want to have concerts here.
How difficult is all this really?

Sometimes people have to understand that no matter what is said and shown, certain actions affect no more than the individuals who perpetrate it. And it does not affect you, then sit down. And shut up

2004-02-24T12:06:00.000+08:00

Remember Julia Robert’s analogy in my Best Friend’s Wedding? The comparison between Crème brulee and Jello.

One is expensive, rich, desirable, does all kind of explosive things to your taste buds and you become the envy of pals because of what you have yet you have a nagging doubt that you may not be able to keep eating it everyday
The other, Jello is what you are comfortable with, something you can consume on a daily basis. Despite the popular idea that it may be boring and common-place, it is that food that remind you of what and who you are

With something so clear cut, one can help but wonder why in real life and in movie-land, the Crème Brulee is chosen ; just like how Cameron Diaz won over Julia Roberts to marry the man of their dreams in that very movie.

Why?

2004-02-20T17:04:00.000+08:00

I just finished reading Pearl S Buck's Imperial woman. It is a book that I will inevitably pick up because it has some of the literature buzz-words that I am a sucker for- saga, period story, epic, historical, classic, award-winning, etc.

The book is about a Manchu concubine who rises from her peasant-girl status to become Empress of the Western Place, because she gives birth to an heir and captures the Emperor's heart. She then becomes Regent Mother, Empress Dowager , outliving 3 emperors , ruling the country -by proxy since she is a woman and therefore not respected- respite rebels, uprising wars, barbaric Christians, Japanese money-grabbers and colonizing power out to capture China.

As much as I like stories with this historical theme and long, flowing, flowery language, it gets tedious after a bit to continue reading line like You are most superior, oh imperial mother, we are not worthy of your honor and good blessing. It is as if you are the reincarnation of goddess Kuan Yin who bestowed us with kindness and blessings and for that we worship thee, Our lives have had double, nay triple, nay, nay, a million times of blessings since you have become our leader, Honorable Mother. We pledge out lives to continue to be loyal to you as we are your humble servants

You get the drift

Now, it is after reading the book that I am starting to wonder, how, why and when did the Chinese, who revere, respect and worship their emperors change their ways. When did the centuries of dynasty and royalty ruling end? Who was the last emperor? How did they go from a monarchy to a republic. Fair enough one could argue that the Red Guards, the Cultural Revolution, the Great Leap forward, little kids waving Chairman Mao's infamous little red book is a subtle hint that in China they have never completely gotten over their reverence for authority and still maintain a stark difference between the ruling class and the commoners

But I realize that I do not know how or why the Dynasty ended and it is about time I put the internet to use although I am sure I could get all the info I needed if I sat down and asked a few walking encyclopedias. Reading the book makes me wonder if there ever was a woman like that in China who had such great power in her hands despite never being the ruling figure. The ability to manipulate, shout, cry, scream, whine at the right time. To make people afraid yet worhsip you. The ability to change stereotype of women in that era.
Did people really have all that loyalty and worship for their leaders or is it something that has been repeated in history and literature without much substantiation that we now assume it as true?

Inspiration for stories has to come from somewhere. I just wish I knew where Pearl S Buck got it from

2004-02-18T17:59:00.000+08:00

Is it not ironic that a letter that informs staff that their probation period will be extended and they will continue earning peanuts for another 6 months on top of the 6 months they have endured, starts with "We are pleased to inform you..."
Someone sure has a sense of bloody fucking humour.

I wish I knew more of these legal jargon because I think I, along with 110 others are getting short changed.

To all the kiddies who are reading this, if you need to fund your education, beg and steal if you must, but dont borrow. And never , ever be indebted to anyone. Ever

2004-02-17T16:08:00.000+08:00

I can be such a goon. Today morning I accidently spilt hot, boiling water on my right thigh and feet. But fear not for even in that state of early morning sleepiness I remembered to

a) kill the burning sensation with cold water
b ) rub toothpaste on the affected area

B however, was not very successful when I realized the toothpaste was some mumbo-jumbo Indian herbal paste which doesnt only taste bad but because of the herbal mix made my skin sting instead of cooling it like regular Colgate.
Why cant this be a regular home that buys regular products?

Right now, I am at work, bitting my teeth against the pain and feeling Very Annoyed when I discovered that within 5 hours, I have an ugly nasty, evil looking red-ish bruise-like thing on my thigh along with a small portion of raw, loose flesh which I fear may be infected soon.
Can it? Or am I being paranoid?

There is a clinic on the ground floor of the workplace and I could just go there for treatment but weighing out Going To A Clinic against the fact that the scar is not visible unless I go skinny dipping, I think pain -and slight disfigurement-is always more tolerable

2004-02-12T16:51:00.000+08:00

My shoulder blades hurt. Along with my neck and lower back. I keep massaging my neck and shoulders but there is little relieve and I know not what I am doing wrong when I am following the techniques shown in some glossy mag.
Pain makes me cranky. And whinny.

I am awaiting data from a man, whom I now realized is on leave.
This organization reeks of meetings, constant food and coffee and of course, people on leave.

Valentine's Day is round the corner. I cant help it but I do honestly believe Valentine's Day is the product of over-zealous yet brilliant marketing, over-zealous pricing, and the inate desire to make pink/red decorations, clothes, toys, flowers tolerable just for one day. I wont go for as far as saying Hallmark alone is responsible for this phenomenon because I think DeBeers, Cadbury and even Oprah's talk show has a played a part in making Feb 14 the biggest real -life freak show ever witnessed.
When will people learn that too much expectation only leads to dissapointment which leads to annoyance which leads to arguements which leads to a wasting a perfect evening.
Wait a minute, there is no such thing as a perfect evening.

But I am curious. Why would anyone want to have a shag in a perfectly planned interior, wearing perfectly co-ordinated outfits, eating perfectly cooked food, reading the perfectly -written poems and sleeping on a perfectly colour-coordinated bed that matches the curtains, the comforter and the dog's bow.
I'd choose a spontaneous shag over something so perfectly, politely and meticulously planned. Any day.

Then again, I am a singleton so one could accuse me of being cynical and jaded. Or even jealous.
I just think I am being realistic.

2004-02-09T10:11:00.000+08:00

It is only 9.30 pm and I already feel like an idiot.

First, on my way to work, I accidentally and absent-mindedly threw away my 10-day commuter pass which I have only used for 1/3 of its value. So now I am knocking my head on the wall for this unnessesary loss of a good RM25 at a time when I already curse the high cost incurred in traveling to and fro everyday.
See, unlike the Touch and Go cards for the LRT which you can keep in your wallet and never remove it, the goons who design commuter passes want to make sure that we have to take out the card and swipe it at every use AND calmly place a dustbin around so my natural reaction is to throw the pass away just like everyone else. Its herd mentality, I cant help it!
Damn damn damn

And then , I came to work with the resolve of walking up and down 5 flights of the fire escape stairs twice daily as part of the “I –am-going-to-climb –Mount Kinabalu-in 3-months-so-you skeptics-can-shove-it” regime. So I came to the office at the 21st floor, walked to 16th floor, walked up, walked down and walked up again.
Felt useful and satisfied.
Then I tried to get back in the 21st floor only to discover that some smart pants locked the door leading to the office. Brilliant. So there I was stuck at the stairway wondering how to get in. Walked down to 20th floor, door was also locked, same with 19, 18 and 17th floor and you must remember I am stuck without a handphone nor my security access card. Then for some reason I thought I should go up to 22nd floor and try my luck, so I walk up 5 flights of stairs to 22nd and lo and behold, the door was open!
Now to walk in a foreign office, looking slightly sweaty and disheveled , unusually dressed in skirt and sneakers with legs that suddenly feel like lead and sheepishly explain to a stranger that I have been locked out of my office so can you please use your access card to get me out of here and to my own little cubicle in the 21st floor.
Naturally the stranger was smirking. I would too.

Thank god I have a sense of humour and the immaculate ability to laugh at myself

2004-02-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

There is this one episode of Law and Order that I still remember. In this episode, 2 juvenile boys are accused of breaking an entry into a flat, raping and murdering a woman. The crimes is high profile at first because of how violent the murder is- 34 stabbing wounds and evidence of rape -and the outburst increases when it was discovered 2 young boys were behind the rape-murder.

Here is when it gets interesting. Boy A who did both the rape and murder is only 12 years old and can only be tried in juvenile court, which means going to a center and then released before his 18th birthday. Boy B who was only a side kick- who got so sick he puked in the victim’s apartment and so remorse he covered the victim with a blanket-is 13 years old. That means, according to the New York law, he can be tried as an adult and can be sentenced to life because of how heinous the crime and because the heartless, heartened female (what else) DA choose to try boy B as an adult.

The question is, why would you go after a boy who didn’t actually stab nor rape the victim? What did he do? He was a soft, immature lonely kid who wanted to be welcome, who wanted to make friends, who could not stand up for himself and didn’t have a choice but to follow his new found buddy. Or so said his lawyer. Is making stupid decisions and not standing up for yourself enough grounds to keep someone behind bars forever?

But I liked the DA’s explanation. She said, never said you don’t have a choice. People can never be forced into a decision, no matter how dire the situation, no matter what kind of dead end you face, no matter what psychological reasoning you give to explain teenager’s decisions. Everybody who did any kind of heinous crimes has a choice to rape/murder/rob or not and the reason people are behind bars is because they choose to commit those crimes instead of walking away.
Boy B choose to break in the apartment instead of walking away, he choose to hand over the knife to boy A when he knew Boy A wanted to harm the victim, he choose to stand and watch while a rape was going on, he choose to stand by and watch when the victim was stabbed 34 times.
In that 45 minutes there were a dozen times he could have choosen NOT to be part of he crime but he choose, subconsciously, to stay.

And I liked listening to her say that because sometimes we think we sink, we are screwed over, we cheat, we have eternal bad luck and misfortune coz we think we had no choice. We become part of something harmful, distasteful , dangerous because we think someone, somebody lured/seduced/convinced/forced/blackmailed us into it but that is not always true. We choose to sink and not swim, cheat instead of being honest. We sat yes when we could have said no, said no when we could have said yes.We choose partners/friends/lovers who will hurt us in the end more than not, we choose to be irresponsible, distrustful, paranoid, annoying, annoyed instead of being responsible, trusting, etc, etc.
There is only so much your parents/family/friends/diet/dog/dressing sense/religion can be blamed. At some point, when thing are fucked up, you gotta stop and think of all the times you could have gotten out, but didn’t. All the times you got out when you should have stayed. No matter how you look at it, outcomes and potential outcomes happen because you made it so.
The End

2004-02-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

What I need:
1) A root canal

2) Painkillers/ Sleeping pills

3) A larder full of Nestle yougurt

See the filling in my tooth has vanished and with that I can barely close my mouth in case my upper tooth knocks against the lower tooth and shots spams of pain through my jaw. Naturally this rules out chewing-its too painful so when you can barely chew, yogurt is always a welcoming option

What I want:

a ) Two tickets to see the play Election in Actor's studio

b ) A lifetime of free tickets to see any play in Actor's studio

c ) A copy of the book, "Hitch-hiker's guide to the galaxy"

d ) To scratch the BMWs of my former and current dentist. Maybe break a couple of windows as well

e) Seats on the commuter/ LRT which will allow me to lean against the wall and sleep

f ) Heels that dont hurt my calves

g ) Acting talent

h ) To appear in a play

i ) Air tickets to Kota Kinabalu.

j) Over-night increase in height

k) A copy of the movie "Lost in Translation"

h) All Sarah McLachlan's albums

i ) Dave Matthews Band's albums

j ) to think of solid reason why it is wrong to give rapist the death penalty

k) someone to listen to me while i tell them why its wrong to give rapist the death penalty

i ) jam-free roads

j ) more scrabble-playing friends

k ) Ginger tea and appam at 4pm everyday

l ) an end to race-based politics in Malaysia

m) to be able to do leg splits or stand on my head

n ) A scholarship to Cambridge to 'read' Political Science

o) Enough confidence to join a wet t-shirt contest.

Ok, I was kidding about the last one. Half-kidding. But seriously, are there wet t-shirt competitions in Kay El?

Isnt it typical to have a "I want" list that is way longer than a "I need" list? But like the luxury car salesman said in CSI "sometimes it is about what you want, not what you need"

2004-02-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

I am in a slight quandry. Sitting in the office with no excercise dictates I will, in about 3 years became pudgy and unfit like everyone else in the office. Therefore the most logical thing is to do some interesting, long term physical activity, no?

And what's better than Tae Kwon Do? I still think my current black belt which I got at age 17 was obtained without me actually deserving it since I dont remember breaking any boards nor beating up anyone black and blue- the instructors are usually much relaxed when it comes to girls-and right now, I can barely touch my toes, never mind kick above my leg and throw a nose-breaking punch.

And so whats the problem? No Tae Kwon Do classes for adults. They all cater for kids as young as 6 thanks to over zealous parents who believe children should learn everything and anything in the name of being an all-rounder. Phah!

Well meaning but idiotic friends have reminded me that at 5 feet 2.5 inches, it wont be that hard finding children my height to be a sparring partner but that really isnt it. when it comes to self defense class, children are children, adults are adults and never shall the twain meet.

Maybe kickboxing classes will have more adults. Now to find one
And then actually sticking to it

2004-01-25T14:20:00.000+08:00

I know Chern Hsing has already written an account of the accident we saw (and stopped to help) on thursday but sitting at home, reading more newspaper stories of accidents and looking at more statistic analysis of accidents on Malaysian roads, that one accident is still troubling me.

It troubles me , because when we arrived at scene to see a car flipped over on the opposite side of the road, Chern immediately called 999 but in the 5 minutes we were there, no backup arrived. When you consider the fact that the fire department and the police station is about 1 km away and in the stillness of the night, I'd wager money they may even have heard the crash, still no ambulance, fire engine nor traffic police arrived at the scene. Surely, 5-7 minutes is an acceptable response time, if you take into account the distance and the time (4am) where traffic jam is not an excuse.

Although it was not me who made the phone call to 999, (I was under strict instructions to remain in the car) I could sense Cherno's frustration at having the call being shifted from one sleepy goon to another, none of them making any sense nor showing some level of urgency at the report of an accident where people are in dire need of help.

That's just it, isn't it? No matter how sleepy, overworked or underpaid or jaded or revengeful or deprived people are, you'd think they could put it all aside when they realize that lives depend on them and these rescue rangers are the people who have the utmost capablity of actually doing something. I mean, no matter who we are, where we are from, it's almost accepted that the sound and sight of another human being in trouble is the best thing to make us haul our ass all over town, if the need be.
And that's just for the average person on the road. I dare say that the cars who stopped in front of us and behind us that day, all stopped because they thought of the accident victims who may bleed to death if help didnt arrive and those passer-bys wanted to do something to help. To aid, to save someone, to be of value; because thats what we humans do something when faced by accidents. We try to minimize the sufferings

But my gripe is not about the average people on the road. they all showed a greater deal of compasion than we usually think of Malaysians-all notorious for just gawking and not doing anything else. My gripe is about the authorities who have the responsibility of handling accidents like this. Accident call centre operators who do not know whom to refer to in cases of accidents. Operators who cannot give you an ETA for ambulance, who remain so nonchalent you just wanna reach through the phone lines and shake them. My annoyance is targeted at people like that for we assume they are the ones we call in times of trouble only to realize they dont give two hoots.

I am further annoyed because I now think that if this behaviour is normal, then from the thousands of people who die yearly on Malaysian roads, what is the percentage of death that could have been avoided if rescue workers could have been a bit more efficient?

Or is death just a mattter of fate?

2004-01-23T12:54:00.000+08:00

You know, I had it all planned out.

Now armed with the knowledge of Mah Jong, I was going to spend the rest of the Chinese New Year hols gambling away at a friends's house while eating roasted pork, salted pork, pork ribs and anything else with pork in it. This mah jong sessions are really cool. I grew up watching all that chinese series where mah jong was a social activity, where the players were all elderly people who took the game seriously. They'd sit with one leg on the stool, munch on a toothpick , curse, swear and throw tantrums while playing.
Although we play it in a much more subduded manner, the trill of gambling is always there albiet the fact that stakes are too low to ever make an impact in your wallet.
Its the company you play with, it really is.
And with my oh-i-am-new-to-the-game-so-teach-me giggle, giggle manner, I won my fair share of money =]

And then I was going to spend the holidays getting decent clothes for work. I know this sounds very bimbo-like but I truly have nothing to wear. NOthing for my office at least. In a building where 90% of the female employees and managers wear head scarfs and baju kurung, doing a quick inventory of my own wardrobe made me realize that by week two, I'd be branded Office Slut if I dont do a hasty dressing overhaul.
Not good

And I was going to excercise, eat more seafood, play scrabble with equally competitive no-lives and meet that girl.
I had it all planned out

But God is never without a sense of humour, for guess what I have contracted.
Mumps

Mumps

How's that for a bummer?
The left side of my face is double its original size. all puffed up and actaully alters the shape of my face. It looks grossly hideous and painful, especially the area around my left ears and jawline. Actually it doesnt hurt that much. The pros of going to a dentist every month for 5 years is that you develop an immunity to pain in that exact area.

But, arghhhhhh, the cosmetic effect!
Goddamn, I look hideous. (If you are one of the 4 young IT businessmen from TTDI, waiting to make a wisecrack at this statement, dont bother, I have heard them all)

Now I know why have never seen anyone who has mumps; for they would never venture out of the house. Honesty. looking this deformed with a drastic deviant from your actual look, who would?
Guess this will also mean I will have to be on medical leave for at least a week and the idea of vegetating at home is not one that causes ephoria.
Ah well

At any rate, if you were one of the people I was hanging out with last night, you just might get mumps as well. Muahhhhahhhhhhaaaa
Misery loves company, I tell you. If you do get mumps soon, call me and we can exchange notes. PLus, I wanna know who I gave it to. Its an ego thing

2004-01-20T13:59:00.000+08:00

I spend 3 hours daily commuting to and fro the workplace.
THats 15 hours a week, 60 hours a month , 720 hours a year.

720 hours= 30 days.

Thats one entire month spent just travelling.

I am not amused at all this time I will be spending travelling although I conceed it is part of living in the big bad city. Although I secretly enjoy the travel alone and the worrying joy of having no company to "layan", I wish all that time and energy could be spent doing something worthwhile.

Like that Elizabeth Something in the made-for-tv movie, From Homeless to Harvard. Miss Something was homeless, living in and out of the streets and only wanted one thing-to get an education and make it to Harvard. Since she missed out on a large portion of high school,part of her I-am-gonna-do-4-years-of-high school-in-2-years program included studying, writing essays and reading in the train during her 75mins daily commute to school.
She had everything planned, from the duration it took to study a chapter to how much that can be done on the train and how to find the right seat to write essays while sitting in a moving train.
She's studying in Harvard now, according to the movie.

I took along a book with me today, telling myself it's high time I caught up on my reading and also because I have an inate need to feel useful. But 3 train stations later, I was sleeping , just like everyone else onboard.

Ah well, we cant all be materials for telemovies

2004-01-15T21:04:00.000+08:00

Is the world completely void of normal people?

On one hand, i have Suresh who wants to join a reality TV (kinda) show in Singapore where you have to stay in a cable car for 7 days. There will be a CC TV to monitor your moves, you will only get 3 meals a day, where you HAVE to finish the food, and 5 minutes a day to take a piss/crap.
No bathing, no removing of clothes, no sexual contact between participants. ( each team has one male and one female participant)
The one who last the longest get S$120,000

Insanity.

Although I placed my application as his potential partner.=] I promised to bring a headwrap so I wont complain about stinky, oily hair by day 3. And I promised I will limit my whinning. And I promised I will share the blanket, pillow, etc. And I assured him I will bring my scrabble set for the one luxury item allowed so we can play till our eyes hurt.
However, I dont think he's taking me seriously, the wanker

On the other hand I have friends who have placed the Mariah Carey concert as thier upmost priority for this year and insist on me coming along. I am sorry, but if I ever, ever had RM179 to spare, it would not be on Mariah Carey, it would not even be on anything remotely about Mariah Carey; not her CD, not her poster, not a tell-all book she writes later in life, not the leftover food she had this morning, not even for a salon experience that will leave me with (ha!) the MC hairdo.
Why, why, why would anyone want to watch a Carey concert?

Dont you wanna come along and see if her boobs are real?

If they were men, I'd at least try to understand, but coming from a bunch of 22 year old females, it just sounds wrong. And odd. And wrong. And odd

2004-01-13T01:40:00.000+08:00

I too, have much much work to do. Fate has arranged a meeting for me with 2 different clients tomorrow and since it hurts to be considerate Fate has ensured they live on two ends of the Klang Valley and appointment is sceduled smack in the midst of jam time.
Joy? I think not.

Here I am, with 2 almost complete files at 1.30am with the urge to do anything but finish the damn job. The figures look fine to me, but I will have to explain things to them in layman terms and am thinking of how to politely and tactfully say " no, you cant put personal expenses in your company accounts, you dickhead"

I've missed two back-to-back episodes of CSI to finish this work and I am annoyed. More so because there is more to do and I am still typing in this blog. Whats that word? Escapism?

Thinking happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts

Someday when I grow up, I wanna own a pretentious cafe. One that sells callorie-laden cakes , fudge and English tea and tasteless coffee and ginger tea and caters for yuppies and yuppets. It will have minimal deco and mismatched furniture and will be just black and white framed pictures on the wall.
For the sake of stereotype it will have a wise-crack waitress and a aspiring actor/actress-turn bartender and poverty stricken movie producers and literary who are genuises who become regulars.
And dont forget the pool table and the make out corner
And of course, the books, chess, boggle and scrable corner. You cant call it a cozy cafe unless people read or play board games there for that sense of belonging. You know, a place where everyone knows your name

Someday. When I grow up. When I am 40, hitting mid-life crisis and in need of a change besides just finding toy-boys

Till then, all you voyuers can be useful by thinking of a name for this pretentious cafe. Italian names, by the way, arent accepted

2004-01-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

This blog has seen to many manic-depressive whinny, morbid post that I thought it would be a novelty to document the fact that I had a serenely peaceful, blissful day yesterday. BUt i wanted to wait till today to write about it just in case something awful happened at 11.55pm yesterday that would make the post nothing short of a testimony of god's sense of irony and humour.
I know, its tough being such a pessimist.

And so, as of Saturday, the client's file that was causing me headaches, backache and hair loss was completed and I was basking in post-project glow and relief.
There was an episode of CSI on TV. (The good thing about only recently discovering CSI is that watching reruns is never boring.)
I was there to witness the baby turn over for the first time, raise his head and stare at his parents. And I was there to see the parents drop everything and run
to the crib, grabbed each other and exclaim, "did you see that? did you see that?"

The under-rated domestic bliss

I cleaned my room, arranged all my clothes according to colour, function and frequency of use. Arranged all my books according to genre and all the magazines according to date so it feels like there is order in my universe. (sign of obsessive compulsive?)
Bailed out of going to church just to hear the sound of silence at home. I know it sounds dubious but being a hermit and an anti-social makes solitude and quietness a requirement and is more theraputic than going to a shrink.
And ended the day by watching a Woody Allen movie on TV ( you gotta love cable TV). NO, it wasnt Annie Hall nor Mighty Aphrodite but it was still a Woody Allen movie complete with neorotic people, repressed women and men in tweed and bell bottoms. How can you go wrong with that?

Mundane? Maybe. But I had a great day, did you?

2004-01-10T18:04:00.000+08:00

I will always remain a sucker for stories like this:

http://www.thestar.com.my/news/archives/story.asp?ppath=\2004\1\4&file=/2004/1/4/features/7018006&sec=features

True story about a busy, overworked female Lawyer who decides to call it quits after years of working.
WHo then takes time off to write a book and publishes it with her own company just so she wont be creatively restricted.
Lady who has a stack of books in her house , just waiting to be sold.

People like that will always get my vote. I am not sure what the vote is for but anyone who tells me they started their own company, who has a desire for doing creative things, who takes a few years off the rat race to " discover themselves" , (cliche, cliche) will always find an immediate fan in me.
On a good day, they can even count on money since I am planning to buy this book anyway.

At the time of the interview, Lady was lamenting how she finds it hard to sell her books that are still in her condo and gave a number should readers be interested in buying the book called 'The Banana Leaf Men"
But when i called her, she happily told me that her books can be bought in any MPH store or in Silverfish Bookstores.

Almost with an afterthought, she told me " But they are all sold out now, maybe you should try next week"

How cool-for the lack of a better word- is that? To go from successful to jobless and frugal to author-whose-books-are-sold out

2004-01-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

I know that headaches means your body is screaming in protest because you are doing something wrong with your lifestyle, your diet, your work, stress, eyesight , reading with poor lighting, bad posture, yadda yadda yadda

And I also know, that the best solution is to identify the root of the headaches and deal with that so that you can have same lome term peace and long term cure and live happily ever after

I also know, that, should you be unable to find the casue of the headaches, reducing the pain can be done by sippng hot tea (as cliche as it sounds), getting a head massage, sleeping or even taking a long walk.

I know all that. I really do

But you try having a day-long migraine,a shoulder/back ache and have someone serenely inform you of all of the above. What would you do? My suggestion is , break something/throw something at the messenger and then pop a handfull of those wonderful painkillers and wait for a few minutes.
And everything will be okay.
It may be a Placebo effect but its still a solution

Sometimes, in effort to be puritans, practical and reasonable people, we forget the easiest ways to solve problems

2004-01-03T00:30:00.000+08:00

For the past 22 years i have been lead to believe that it is important to plan your New Year's Day because what you do on Jan 1 will be exactly what you do for the rest of the year. (Dont ask me how this originated or if there is any proof to back it up)So if you were planning on quitting smoking, taking up tai chi or stop yelling to your siblings, start it on Jan 1 and half your battle is won.

It goes without saying that thanks to this believe, i spent most of my New Year's eve going to church where it would end at 11.55pm, and do the countdown thing at 12am on the church grounds. I still think this timing is deliberately fixed so that any young people who have any intention for a sinful celebration would have to rescedule thier plans like it or not

It also goes without saying that for as long as i can remember I used to study (yes, study) on New Year's day because it will (ha!) help me be a much hardworking, studious, accademic orriented person with excellent results. Now, this also meant that some of the rare holiday programs on TV will have to be missed because it seems TV degenerates your mind and the less you watch it the better. If you can remember Malaysia before we had cable TV and the internet ; when TV meant 3 channels only, when holidays meant watching feel-good movies and cartoons and the novelty of watching music videos, you may be able to relate to my sense of annoyance for missing out on some of this mandatory mindless, brainless, pointless fun as I was growing up.

It was only when someone told me , "mate, if doing something on Jan 1 means you will do it the whole year, people would be lighting fireworks, shagging, partying, drinking and recovering from hangovers all year long" did I actually stop to realize how disgustingly untrue that myth is, and reflect on a lifetime of being duped on Jan 1.

All those TV programs! All that silenced anger and sarcasm! All that wasted studying! All that good behaviour and minding the Ps and Qs!

A lifetime of being duped

At any rate, i spent my new year drinking pretentious-cafe's coffee with Them and then travelled practically outstation with the same well meaning but tactless friends to find what was supposed to be the most elite seafood place in this area since we have been planning it for eons by now. So dinner revolved around prying flesh off crabs and prawns, drinking Toddy (thats fermented coconut, and is so awful nobody i know would admit drinking it)and weasel-ing away from snide remarks and potential traps =]

Aimless driving, aimless conversations, friends, seafood , cheap liquor, Amazing Voiced Dude singing Beatles in the back seat.

I would not mind that the rest of the year!

2003-12-28T20:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we like to think of emotional baggage as well, baggage. As in carry on luggage which you can discard and pick up when the need be. (although why would anyone in the right frame of mind pick up emotional baggage on their own free will is beyond me) Point is, its seperate from your self and an issue that could very likely be temporary and will settle/heal/resolve in due time.

But sometimes, emotional baggage has such a strong foundation in your Self that it has become part of you. It is what can explain your every quirk, every paranoia, every jaded, untrusting, weary, pessimistic, detached, clingy, traumatic, insecure, overly- confident, overly dramatic ,pretentious whiny, bitchy characther that you yourself and others can identify with.
And everything that you beleive in or are afraid of is amplified each day with different madness, different shit, different people, different degrees, different places and setting but all with the same underlying tone that makes you wanna put one hand on your hips, wag your index finger in front of the mirror and say in that Black Momma accent , "Giiirrrrlll, Ah told ya so, din Aye?"

Maybe its called self fulfilling prophecy

What then? Can you drop that baggage and move on? Lighter load, yes. But so would amputation in giving you less kilos to lug around

2003-12-25T19:57:00.000+08:00

The irony of irony is waiting for a friend to come home after 2 years only to discover that you've seen her a grand total of once the whole time she was here. The irony also, is discovering that we spend more time -about 2 hours per session-chatting online that having face-to-face discussion but I suppose communication is still communication and complaining is unbecoming

That aside, I feel cheated out of a christmas mass. The whole idea going for a mass is so that you can be inside a church, huddled together with everyone, see the fake tree, the fake mistletoe, the fake snow (ha!) the recycled angles on the tree top and watch as sweat patches develop on people's brand new outfit because once a year, every Catholic within a 10km radius wants to fulfil religious obligations and the church is does not have the capacity to accomodate them all.

Therefore, this Xmas, we had to resort to sitting in the church hall and watch/participate in the service via the Big Screen. Would have been better if the sound system was on and if the camera dude knew how to focus on the priest instead of the floor and if the lights were turned on in the hall instead of leaving us all in the dark.
But nothing, beats the insult of following the service via the big (questionable) screen. I may as well just sit at home and follow a mass online. I dont know if there is one, but I heard the Vatican is getting very tech-savy.

At 12 sharp, mass ends and the church bells rings and everyone is shaking hands and hugging and kissing and air-kissing and exclaiming something.

Beautiful outfit, dah-ling

Oh, you're back. From where, again?

By 12.30 am, everyone has left, most likely to KL or to Bangsar where the street party is and by 3am, I dare say there will be a Vodka shortage in town.
And that, boys and girls, is Christmas

2003-12-17T01:18:00.000+08:00

Signs of aging:

No matter how much you drink and have your vision and rational distorted, some men still look ugly

You dont mind skipping a party with free(?) booze, music and dancing if it means going to bed early so you and your friend can gab for hours in bed, with the lights off

You choose a to go to a club because it's playing something Retro (also read as ancient)

You can hum along to almost every song on Light and Easy radio station which you once demounced as Senior Citizen's pick

You vow never to ask your 8 year old students to talk about their favourite TV show because you have no clue what programmes they are hooked on while watching the Disney Channel and asking them would only mean they get to roll their eyes and exclaim "you've never heard of all these shows and games?"

8 year old cousins gravely pat your arm and tell you you have to marry soon else you may die (yes, they said die) alone. And no, keeping pets is not an option because they age faster. For dogs, they count in dog years and its different from our years, you know
What are kids eating these days? Excessive lead from the colour pencils?